2 NEWS
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
THE GATEWAY
tuesday, 14 february, 2006 volume XCVI number 34
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Trend of dying cultures can be stopped: Davis
Next revolutionary speaker, Wade Davis, will discuss disastrous effects of vanishing cultures on society
CHLOE FEDIO Deputy News Editor
Addressing the issue of vanishing cul- tures and the loss of languages, noted anthropologist and ethnobotanist Wade Davis will be on campus this Wednesday as part of the Students’ Union Revolutionary Speaker Series.
Davis, who grew up in British Columbia and has citizenship in Canada, Ireland and the United States, spent 30 years living with indig- enous people throughout Canada and around the world, observing differing customs and social rela- tions before and during his time as explorer-in-residence for National Geographic.
“None of this is about maintaining peoples as if they are frozen in time; all cultures are always changing and dancing with new possibilities for life,” Davis said. “The goal is to find ways that all peoples can benefit from the genius of modernity, without that engagement implying the death of their cultures.”
Given that most experts contend the history of humankind extends about
200 000 years in the past, there have been innumerable civilizations that have come and gone.
“So when you lose culture and you send someone adrift, naked of virtue, you can have a very dangerous individual.”
WADE DAVIS
Still, Davis is concerned for the van- ishing cultures, which he refers to as “humanity’s legacy,” and explained that half of the world’s languages are disappearing within a generation, and when cultures begin to wane, there tends to be a backlash.
“Culture, in fact, is that body of eth- ical and moral values that have politi- cal, religious and social dimensions, that envelops the individual and keeps at bay the barbaric heart that history
shows us lies right beneath the surface of most human beings,” Davis said.
“So when you lose culture and you send someone adrift, naked of virtue, you can have a very dangerous indi- vidual,” he said, pointing to the ter- rorist networks Al Qaeda, or Shining Path in Peru.
These types of groups are fueled by the inherent ethnocentric belief, common to each culture, that their interpretations of reality are the pin- nacle of truth, Davis argued.
“You look outside your cul- ture, and everybody else is sort of strange,” Davis said. “Many societ- ies, for example, if you translate their name for themselves, it'll mean ‘the people,’ the implication being that the other human beings are sort of non- human.”
He pointed to the misconception that Voodoo is a black-magic cult—an idea propagated by the mass media and a plethora of Internet sites filled with factual inaccuracies.
“That kind of cultural myopia can’t really be supported anymore in a kind of interconnected global world,” he
said. “Nobody has a monopoly on the route to God. And the basic quest to understand something that’s a mystery of a life lies at the heart of all religious traditions.”
Davis went on to say that though we tend to give credence to well- established religions in the Western world, some religions, especially in Sub-Saharan Africa, are dismissed, which goes on to undermine those cultures and lead to their demise.
“These other people aren't failed attempts at being us, or being modern; they’re not destined to fade away by some natural law; they're dynamic expressions of the human character and potential, and in every instance they're being driven out of existence by identifiable forces,” Davis said. “If human beings can be the agents of destruction, we can be the facilitators of cultural survival.
“There’s no such thing as the word ‘primitive.”
Tomorrow night’s lecture at the Myer Horowitz Theatre is based on his book Light at the End of the World, and shares its title.
Campus lecture examines emerging cultural hybrids
EDMON ROTEA News Staff
Even though today’s world is divided and demarcated by social, economic and political borders, cultural borders remain ambiguous and undefined— at least according to two academics speaking as part of the Department of Political Science’s “Our North America” series of lectures.
Dr James Lull, Professor Emeritus of Communication Studies at San Jose State University, and Dr Victoria Ruetalo, an Assistant Professor of Spanish and Latin Studies in the U of A’s Department of Modern Languages and Cultural Studies, delivered back-to-back lectures concerning the “hybridization” of North American and Latin culture.
Lull and Ruetalo’s lectures, titled “New Issues: Hybrid Cultures and Identities,” discussed the influences and effects of both globalization and North American popular culture on sur- rounding regions, particularly Central and South America. They suggested the influences and effects of cultures in both the global north and the global south has resulted in the emergence of a “hybridity” of cultures—from new
forms of music to the redefinition of existing cultural identities.
Lull began his presentation with an excerpt from Puerto Rican singer/ songwriter Daddy Yankee’s song “Gasolina,” to represent not only the cultural and political influences of the United States on the Puerto Rican music scene, but to also convey the fusion of cultural influences from sur- rounding regions, resulting in a new form of music.
“The idea of hybridity, fusing things together to make something new, has achieved a particular dis- tinctive quality which the ‘reggatone’ phenomena represents. It’s a fusion of reggae together with soca music,” Lull said, referring to dance music that’s a mix of Trinidad’s calypso and Indian music rhythms.
Lull suggested that the idea of cul- tural hybridity is not new, but a way for humanity to understand the world that surrounds them.
“This has been the history of the world—how cultural evolution has produced the many different kinds of cultural groups around the world,” Lull said.
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THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
Province looks to federal govt for increased postsecondary funding
While Alberta hopes the federal govt will increase funding, U of A
NATALIE CLIMENHAGA News Staff
While Alberta basks in its growing prosperity, the U of A administration worries the province’s postsecond- ary institutions have been left in the dark for too long, as they struggle to deal with the financial strains the pro- vincial budget cuts of the early 1990s created.
“Over the 13-14 years [since then] I think we have seen erosion in the qual- ity of the undergraduate experience,” U of A Provost and Vice-President (Academic) Dr Carl Amrhein said.
SU Vice-President (External) Samantha Power blamed the cutbacks in provincial funding for forcing the University to tighten its belt and look to students for additional sources of revenue.
“The cutbacks have led us into this situation where we have poorer qual- ity, fewer professors [and] less student spaces,” she said. “One of the major reasons for tuition increases is the funding cut backs that happened in 93”
“[There's] no substitute for the provincial government dramatically increasing the funding for students or the base funding for universities.”
DR CARL AMREIHN, U OF A PROVOST
Power highlighted how both healthcare and primary education have managed to get back much of the funding they lost since the cutbacks. Now, she said, it’s time to focus on postsecondary.
And as the Council of the Federation, comprised of Canada’s 13 premiers and territorial leaders, pre- pares to converge in Ottawa for the Summit on Postsecondary Education and Skills Training on 23 and 24 February, Alberta Advanced Education Minister Dave Hancock said some of the funding disparities that Alberta postsecondary institutes face may be
MATT FREHNER
SHOW ME THE MONEY Alberta Advanced Education Minister Dave Hancock.
cured by the newly elected federal government.
“The federal government has sig- nificantly greater revenue sources and revenue growth than provinces do,” he said. “[We'll ask] that the federal government move the funding under the social transfers side of the equa- tion to where it was before, at least, and to recognize the increasing costs of education for each province across the country.”
But, according to Power, while an increase in federal funding would provide some benefit to the U of A, the need for an increase in provincial postsecondary funding is a topic that can no longer be ignored.
“Tt’s like having an elephant in the room that everybody knows is there, but they don’t want to talk about it,” she said.
And while Amrhein said he would also gladly welcome any increase in federal funding, he described it as being only part of the situation.
“[There’s] no substitute for the provincial government dramatically increasing the funding for students or the base funding for universities,” he said.
However, Hancock defended the provincial government’s commitment to postsecondary education and said the breadth of responsibility involved in improving advanced education in Alberta requires time.
“Alberta Advanced Education is about advancing education; it’s not just about universities and colleges,”
he said. “We need to maximize every Albertan’s abilities to participate so that no one is left behind.”
And despite the wait for a drastic increase in funding, Amrhein is opti- mistic the problems facing postsec- ondary education in the province are being looked at.
“Bill 1 at the last budget was a pretty clear indication that postsecondary was very high on provincial think- ing,” Amrhein said. “The Access to the Future Fund [created by Bill 1] will help dramatically with special fund- ing for students and additional faculty once it’s fully implemented.”
However, with the U of A’s utilities costs ballooning from $20 million to $44 million per year, much of the good news created by the provinces’ three-year commitment on base fund- ing increases will soon be burnt up, Amrhein argued.
“T suppose if the government cannot give us even more funding in our base budget, maybe they could pay for the dramatic increase in utili- ties,’ Amrhein said.
He predicted the U of A would require somewhere in the range of $10-14 million in order that the University get back on track for trying to restore some of the quality in the undergraduate programs that he feels has decreased.
“Advanced education is the solution to national competitiveness—every- body knows that,” he said. “Our competitive position in the world is
slipping.”
Provincial Liberals host forum to advocate electoral reform, mimic BC
TRISTAN FOLINSBEE News Staff
Kevin Taft sat shumped in his chair. He sounded exhausted. But his eyes were bright and animated when he spoke.
“T turned 50 last September. I was in grade ten when this [provincial] government was elected. And that’s not healthy.”
Taft, the leader of the Alberta Liberal party, and Mo Elsalhy, Liberal MLA for Edmonton—McClung, met with the Gateway on Friday to discuss a citizens’ forum that was held last night at the Stanley A Milner Library. The forum featured presentations from Taft, along
with Craig Henschel and Shoni Field, who were members of the BC Citizens’ Assembly on Electoral Reform (CA). Elsalhy served as the moderator.
The forum marked the beginning of a campaign by the Liberals to evalu- ate and reform the province's electoral system. Taft feels that governments cannot impartially evaluate and change the processes by which they are elected, and so hopes to emulate the CA process recently used by BC to evaluate electoral reform.
“[The CA was] ordinary citizens who ended up rising to an extraordi- nary challenge with huge enthusiasm and ability, and I think that’s quite
inspiring,” said Taft. “I don’t think it would be appropriate for us to advo- cate one model or another, but rather to put in place a process where a CA can address that issue.”
The CA, formed in 2004, was com- posed of 160 British Columbians chosen at random from all of BC’s electoral districts. Their mandate was to examine the electoral system and to recommend alternatives that would then be decided by referendum. After an extensive public consultation and evaluative process, the CA recom- mended a single transferable vote (STV) system.
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4 News
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
It was this day in 1910 that St Valentine first drove the Pagans from Rome using only the power of Cupid’s Arrow. Or something. At any rate, we here at Gateway News hope you'll join us in honouring him today.
THE GATEWAY
Taft promotes electoral reform
REFORM ¢ CONTINUED FROM PAGE 3
The CA thought an STV system, where voters rank their preference for each candidate on the ballot, would strike the best balance between pro- portionality and local representation.
If no candidate reaches the neces- sary number of votes for an outright win, typically a majority, the can- didate with the least number of first place votes is eliminated and those ballots are reassigned to the candidates who received the second-place rank. The process continues until a candi-
Spring/Summer 2005 Registration begins
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date reaches the benchmark set prior to the election.
In BC’s 2005 provincial election, 58 per cent of voters supported the STV system, however, the benchmark for changing the system was set at 60 per cent. British Columbians will vote on STV once more in their 2008 munici- pal elections.
Field said on Saturday that in their public consultations, many citizens were dissatisfied with the current first-past-the-post (FPP) system.
“People were offended, even if their party benefited from a system that they saw as unfair, by results like those in the [BC] election of 2001 where we saw the opposition completely wiped out, even though they had 27 per cent of the vote,” said Field.
In Alberta’s last election, the Conservative Party won 62 seats, or 75 per cent of the seats in the Legislature, with 47 per cent of the vote. The Liberal party won 16 seats, or 19 per cent of the seats, after receiving 29 per cent of votes cast.
Taft feels that Alberta’s electoral system is outmoded, but isn’t optimis- tic that the Conservative government will be willing to institute reforms.
“The harsh reality in Alberta is that
the Conservative government, which has been in power for 35 years with massive majorities, is not interested in changing the system,” said Taft.
Taft said that without an electoral system to more accurately represent the will of the electorate, his party would be unable to provide effective opposition to the government.
“Without a healthy democracy, the astonishing opportunities we have in
DANA KOMPERDO IN NEED OF TWEAKING Liberal Kevin Taft, leader of the reform initiative.
Alberta will not be serving us, because the people will not have the tools to hold the government to account. There’s a mirage of accountability. A mirage fed by a multi-million-dollar public relations machine built around the premier. But it’s only a mirage,” said Taft.
The provincial government didn't respond to the Gateway’s request for an interview.
Individuals use media influences to create their own supercultures: Lull
CULTURE ¢ CONTINUED FROM PAGE 2 According to Lull, reggaetone music
is a prime example of cultural evolu-
tion that’s spreading to other parts of
from a soon-to-be-published essay.
“Hybridity explains
creating their own cultural experi- ences, profiles, and identities through process of personal cultural selection, hybridization and production,” which
the globe. results in what Lull has termed the “Tt’s a quintessentially hybrid form, the access that “superculture.”
because if you listen to reggaetone, it’s an individual has “T’s the cultural self that goes
multidirectional in terms of language, to two or more beyond the local, the normal, the
in terms of rhythm changes in the traditional, and the inherited,” Lull
music, in terms of lyrical excursion; cultures through explained. “It depends on things like
it involves the call and response that the negotiation of cultural globalization, human migra-
is inherited from African languages and tribal customs and so forth. It’s an ‘expressive display’ which represents sub-cultural movement that started
difference; describing the cultural crafting,
tions and mobility, its symbolic abun- dance, the incredible explosion of information.”
Yet, this superculture is subject to
in Puerto Rico and has moved else- interaction, and change as individuals continue to
Only Ma rmot offe rs where,” said Lull. mixtures existing in redefine their own cultural identities. * * : . Complimenting Lull’s views, p «ty? “We are exposed to and we use cer-
Student lift ticket prices Ruetalo emphasized the effects of todays society. tain images in common, but we have all in the Alberta Rockies physical borders on cultural identity, DR VICTORIA RUETALO, __ kinds of stuff that identifies us as indi-
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especially in North America. “Hybridity explains the access that an individual has to two or more cul- tures through the negotiation of differ- ence; describing the cultural crafting, interaction, and mixtures existing in today’s society,” Ruetalo said, reading
U OF A ASSISTANT PROFESSOR, SPANISH AND LATIN STUDIES
Lull also argued that we are living in an age of cultural programming, which involves “individual persons
viduals. It goes from the most everyday local experience—the food you eat, the people you talk to, the bed you sleep in—to the things that are the most abstract, exotic, and far away, because that is the cultural reach that we have these daysw,” Lull concluded.
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THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
CAMPUS CRIME BEAT
Compiled byJake Troughton
FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS...
At 3am on 10 February, a patrolling 5-o constable pulled a vehicle over after it failed to stop at an intersection near 112 Street and 84 Ave. The driver of the vehicle, a current University student, was found to be impaired and was subsequently issued a 24-hour licence suspension. The sober passenger, who apparently didn’t mind being chauffeured by a drunk, drove the vehicle home.
IF YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO
Around 12:30am on 11 February, two intoxicated males were spotted urinating in public on the corner of 114 Street and 87 Ave. Campus 5-0 identi- fied the males as being 24 and 26 years of age with no University affiliation. Both males had extensive criminal records relating to violence. One of the males was issued a ticket for peeing in public, and they were both escorted off campus.
BYEBYE BOOZE
On 11 February at 3:30am, three males were observed in possession of open liquor in a public area on campus. All three were identified as University students. One of the drinkers had an outstanding warrant and was arrested and later turned over to the Edmonton Police Services. The two other males were cleared with a warning, but their liquor was sent directly to the trash.
LITTLEPRANK, BIG DEAL
At 12:50am on 12 February, Campus 5-0 received a report of a fire alarm going off at International House. Constables attended the area and were
stairwell.|-House was evacuated, and residents were moved to the west side of 111 Street. The 5-owaited on scene for the Edmonton Fire Department, which sent three units. An extensive search of the building was conducted, and although no emergency was apparent, unknown persons had discharged fire alarms on both the fifth and sixth floors.
Putting aside the damage to property and the inconvenience to the tenants of International House, both Campus Security and the Edmonton Fire Department needlessly dedicated significant resources to this incident, including both the initial response and subsequent investigation. Campus Security is requesting the assistance of International House tenants in identifying the person or persons responsible. Anyone with information can con- tact the Residence Coordinator in confidence, or the CSS Residence Liaison Officer, Constable Brad Bulman, at 492-8617.
SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING
In the early hours of 12 February, an officer on patrol approached a group of people in the park- ing lot of the Saville Centre. After some discussion, it was apparent that the group had been drinking, but they assured the constable that they would not be driving home. Campus 5-0 left the area, at which point two males got into separate vehicles and attempted to drive away. The drunken culprits didn’t get far, as officers stopped the vehicles just after they left the parking lot. Both had their vehicles towed and driver's licenses suspended for 24 hours. Neither male was affiliated with the University.
BACK, BUT NOT FORLONG
At 6am on 12 February, a 5-0 constable on patrol near 112 Street and 85 Ave recognized a 25-year-old male as having been previously trespassed from campus, and it was determined that the male had an outstanding warrant for his arrest. He was taken into custody and turned over to the EPS. The male is not affiliated with the University and has a criminal
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causes and effects of probiotics, Campylobacter and VSRA. We apologize to Mr Head for the errors.
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‘Trinity Western Univeristy arranges first social dance
Students must keep dance ‘modest, wholesome and fun’ as the Christian University's new policy is still under probation
LAUREN THOMPSON Mars’ Hill
LANGLEY, BC (CUP)—The first dance ever held at Trinity Western University will take place on 16 February, but if students want to dance, they will have to do it right.
The new policy at the Christian school sates that all dancing done at TWU is to be “conducted in the spirit and ethos of Trinity Western University,” and “kept modest, wholesome and fun.”
In order to ensure that all social dances be kept this way, all events that involve dancing must be submitted through the Event Approval and Room Booking Process at least three weeks in advance for review.
The music and dance moves will be controlled as well, in order to keep them in line with the University’s mission and community standards. Inappropriate dancing, “including, but not lim- ited to, dance moves that mimic sexual activi- ties, grinding or obscene body gestures,” are not allowed.
“All music must be free of profanity, sexually suggestive lyrics, references to alcohol, drugs or any illegal substances, vulgarity and must respect the responsibilities of membership of TWU,” the policy states.
Although this change may stir up the campus, it’s still on probation. The first six events will be assessed to make sure they are in line with the social and educational goals of the University. As the policy states, “The process is a learning process.”
The effects of the new policy were seen imme- diately, as two new dance classes sprang up this January. A swing club, led by student Emily Alzea and alumnus Dan Funk, began meeting on
YOUR DEGREE, YOUR CHOICE.
Monday nights, while a Latin dance class with instructor Brittany Smith started on Thursdays.
The dream of beginning the swing club began when Alzea, a dancer for four years, transferred to TWU last year.
“Tt’s not that dancing is wrong; it was just a tangible thing that set Trinity apart.”
ANONYMOUS TWU STUDENT
“T was frustrated because of the no- dancing policy, so I contacted the TWU Students’ Association to try and start one last semester,” she said. When the announcement came that the policy would be changing, Alzea worked with Recreation Services to get the club in place.
She sees the club as a great opportunity for guys and girls to get together in a fun and laid- back environment.
“Swing dancing is the most fun and whole- some opportunity to have at this age,” she said.
While the majority of the campus seems to approve of the changes, there are still a number of people at TWU who are wary of the new policy. Some students feel that the no-dancing policy helped TWU stay unique.
“Tt’s not that dancing is wrong; it was just a tangible thing that set Trinity apart,” explained one student who asked not to be named. “I came to Trinity because it was different.”
But if numbers can tell us anything, they say that Trinity was ready for the change. Over 70 people attended the first swing dance lesson, and over 35 came to the Latin class.
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THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
NEWS
i
Intersex—exploring sexual ambiguities in the human population
CHLOE FEDIO Deputy News Editor
“Ts it a boy or a girl?”
From the earliest signs of pregnancy, this is one of the first questions that crosses the minds of expectant parents. From there, lists of names are com- piled, rooms are painted and toys are bought—all to accompany the child’s sex. However, sometimes children are born with ambiguous sexuality, resulting in an unclear path on how to proceed, often resulting in a medical attempt to “normalize” genitalia.
Dr Alice Dreger, from the Medical Humanities and Bioethics program at Northwestern University in Illinois, began her association with the Intersex Society of North America in 1996.
“Intersex is about sex, which is about bodily types,” she said. “Intersex has remained stable in some ways, in the sense that it’s always existed through the human population. We can assume that these variations have always existed because they exist in animal species.”
Though originally trained as a his- torian of science, she became a histo- rian of medicine “sort of by accident” when researching intersex people in the 19th century for her dissertation.
Since then Dreger has played a cen- tral role in intersex advocacy cam- paigns, working in medical reform movements towards new policy devel-
Today is Valentines Day, a celebration of love and lust, and also a day where a high volume of nookie takes place.
Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex?
opments, and has written volumes on intersex rights, including the first ethi- cal critique of the modern-day treat- ment of intersex.
Dreger spoke to the Gateway about intersex, answering questions about atypical reproductive anatomies and disorders of sexual differentiation.
Gateway: What is an intersexual?
Alice Dreger: The term hermaphrodit- ism is not a term we usually use any- more because it’s too confusing for people, and stigmatizing. People with intersex are usually defined as people who have been born with some- thing other than the standard male or the standard female anatomy type. That can range from having a chro- mosomal anomaly, where you have something other than the standard XX or XY chromosomes—although some people with intersex have those—or it could mean that you have some- thing different about your genitalia or something different with your inter- nal anatomy. So there’s lots of differ- ent ways to be intersex.
GW: What do you think is the great- est myth about intersex?
AD: People assume that if somebody is intersex that means they have a full set of male and a full set of female genitalia, and that’s physically impos-
Jared Bacsynski Business Ill
A playground, a children’s playground .. during the evening. The kids were just getting rounded up at that time. I’mjust joking about that last thing, though.
sible. You can’t have male and female genitalia at the same time because they require different hormone sets that are basically in conflict with each other. So, it cannot be the case.
GW: What’s the frequency of inter- sex?
AD: It depends how you count it, because you have to decide what you're going to count as non-standard male and non-standard female. You have to decide how small a penis has to be before you say, “Okay, that’s inter- sex.” Or how big does a clitoris have to be, or what kind of chromosomal variations count, and different people have different definitions. About one in 1500-2000 children are born with obvious sexual ambiguities, so they're obviously in between, but a lot more people than that have subtle variations that don’t show up at birth. GW: How has medical science affected intersexuals?
AD: There’s some types of intersex where surgery is medically necessary because, for example, the child doesn’t havea urinary opening. Nobody argues about that type of surgery. But the kind of surgeries that there has been a lot of debate about is where the genitals are changed because they look differ- ent. The problem with those kinds of
STREETERS
| Crystal Werkman Science III
| don’t know, | haven't had sex in strange places. The front seat of a truck, but that’s about it. While it was moving though. | wasn’t driving, but | definitely saw where we were. Every two seconds | saw where we were anyways. Just so you know, a Dodge truck is the only one you can fit two people like that.
surgeries is that there's no evidence that they’re necessary. That is, we don’t know that people who grow up with ambiguous genitalia suffer any harm that requires surgery. There’s no evi- dence that the surgery fixes that or reduces that kind of harm, and it labels the child as being sexually freakish in some ways and also potentially reduces sexual sensation and interferes with health. So there’s reasons not to do surgery if you have a choice, and that tends to be the direction the medical profession is slowly going in.
GW: Why has there traditionally been such a heavy focus on surgery in cases of intersex?
AD: Doctors and parents have felt that the charitable thing to do when a child is born different is to try to make them look like other people so that they won't suffer stigma. It’s not unlike, in some sense, cleft-lip repairs. Most kids who have simple cleft-lips have no functional problem—there are ways to feed them, there are ways to teach them how to talk—they may have some teeth problems, but the repair of the cleft-lip is done for social reasons.
GW: In recent years, there’s been lots of progress in the gay rights move- ments. How does this compare, if at all, to intersex movements?
Janelle Morin Education Il
Um, probably a balcony. Yeah. It was on Jasper Avenue and we got honked at.
Compiled and photographed by Paul KnoechelandJames Storrie
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AD: In some ways the intersex rights movements is similar in that it’s about sexual minorities. It’s about trying to get better treatment and not be dis- criminated against because youre a sexual minority. But in some ways it’s a patients’ rights movement because intersex has been very medicalized, so in some ways intersex is kind of like the breast cancer rights movement that tried to get better, more respectful, more patient-centred care for women who had breast cancer.
GW: From television to film and even in literature, the media has played a large role in portraying people of intersex. Has this helped or hindered the intersex movement?
AD: I think there’s been both of that. Some of it seems kind of stereotypical, in the sense that there’s lots of assump- tion that if you're intersex youre bisex- ual in terms of your sexual orientation. There’s a belief that nobody could live like this, but at the same time the sur- geries make people into murderers, if you watch Law and Order. So I think there's been a lot of silly stereotyping. But at the same time it seems to make people aware that intersex is real and it often sends them to the Intersex Society of North America site, which I think is really good, because then they get more accurate information. It’s the usual problem.
Mathieu Johnson SU Vice-President (Academic)
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OPINION
We all care about sex—hence our first sex issue
UnvercrounD CARTOONIST ROBERT CRUMB famously claimed that a large part of his depression was due to the fact that his drive in life was bracketed by impulses to mate—an expression of physicality that he found base and revolting. He never truly found happiness until he reached a later age and his sex drive decreased. Additionally, he tied his sex drive to almost all of the emotional infidelities he succumbed to, and his disgust at the majority of the human race.
Crumb was best known for his portrayal of the drug- and sex-filled hippie life that typified the free-love era, including the lecherous, and perhaps autobiographical, Fritz the Cat. While Crumb’s work would never be considered high literature, it did inform a generation, and gave voice to a culture that was excluded from the mainstream.
Of course, one might wonder if he would he have produced most of his seminal work in the under- ground comics scene of the 60s and ’70s had his sex drive been impotent? Almost all of Crumb’s work related to his sexual fantasies and insecurities. If any- thing, you could call it his muse.
The fact is that sex is a part of our lives—disgust at revolting displays of physicality notwithstanding. Our relationship to it may not be the most important thing in our lives, as it most likely was for Crumb, but, for most of us, it is at least an important thing.
At the same time, most people have an odd rela- tionship with sex and how it affects their own lives. While we, as university students, are constantly being targeted by sexualized messages from advertising companies, television and, sometimes, our peers, how we react to those messages is either intensely private, or so public as to no longer matter.
Which is why you are currently reading the Gateway’s first sex issue. Each year around Valentine’s Day we produce a purity test, which is often fun, but we felt that it only scratched the surface of the issue of sex. So, this year, we expanded our coverage to be more than just an exploration of your experience with the naughtier things in life (that’s still there as well, don't worry). Issues covered are both silly and serious, just like most people’s relationship with sex itself.
Hopefully, this initial gesture will be able to help inform you about how you relate to sex yourself, and doesn’t leave you with a strange aversion to the human race.
DANIEL KASZOR Editor-in-Chief
Valentines Day a fine time to be single
ST VALENTINES DAY, that annual celebration of all things romantic, is upon us, and you could fill the Arctic Ocean with all the money flower shops will be making, if it weren't already full with water and vari- ous sea creatures.
You could also, if the opportunity arose, fill it with the tears of the millions of single people who wish they, too, had been pierced by Cupid’s arrow. Yes, lonely depression is an important but oft-ignored tradi- tion of this holiday. But it doesn’t need to be this way.
It’s a little-known fact that being single is not, in fact, a disease. It’s simply a state of being, not neces- sarily any better or worse than any other. For some of us, staying single is simply the best option at this point in our lives, even though we could totally get a girlfriend any time we wanted.
For us, today should be a day like any other. We can’t let ourselves succumb to the pressure of society to conform to its pseudo-romantic demands. It’s important that we go about our normal business and show up those smug jerks with their “significant others.”
So join me, fellow singles, in having a grand old time today and proving to the world that our lives are every bit as meaningful as everyone else’s. Or if not to the world, then at least to ourselves.
JAKE TROUGHTON Senior News Editor
LETTERS
Better up the taxes, Cleland—smokers don't pay for my healthcare
| write in response to Ben Cleland’s letter of 9 Febraury, “Smokers pay for their own healthcare, and likely yours as well.” Mr Cleland clearly subscribes to the propaganda school of, “If you have to lie, tell the most outrageous lie you can.”
| took him up on his invitation to look up the tax costs of smoking vs the amount the healthcare system pays, and it turns out that the total cost of care vastly exceeds what they pay in taxes on cigarettes.
Check out what Murray J Kaiserman reports in “The Cost of Smoking in Canada, 1991” in Chronic Diseases in Canada, published by the Public Health Agency of Canada: “In 1991, — smoking-attributable healthcare costs in Canada were $2.5 billion (CAN). Additional smok- ing-attributable costs included $1.5 billion for residential care, $2 billion due to workers’ absenteeism, $80 million due to fires and $10.5 billion due to lost future income caused by premature death. Adjustments for future costs if smoking had not occurred and smokers had not died were estimated to be $1.5 billion. According to this analysis, smokers cost society about $15 billion while contributing roughly $78 billion in taxes.”
So they sucked out about twice what they paid in. Sure, just in direct healthcare costs today they cov- ered it, but in a lifetime every non- smoker is subsidizing every smoker. You smokers should be paying me
opinion@gateway.ualberta.ca + tuesday, 14 february, 2006
eaeaed|
DTT
the same amount you spend on smokes, because that’s what you're eventually going to cost me to cover your drains on the system.
DAVID COX Education Il
Hirji, Gateway wrong— grad students pay health services fee
I must respectfully correct the claims of Mr Mustafa Hirji and the authors of a recent Gateway article concern- ing the proposed Health Services fee increase (Re: “Council rejects health services fee hikes,” 9 February).
Contrary to popular misinforma- tion, graduate students are indeed assessed a Health Services fee of $22.32 per term, in addition to their GSA Dental fee of $188.10 and GSA Health fee of $118.54 (annual fees). As for staff, their access to UHC is con- sidered an employment benefit.
The premise of Mr Hirji’s first argument (submitted to Students’ Union Students’ Council with the 7 February late additions) is false, and thus his strongest argument is unsound. The other five arguments Mr Hirji presents are also highly ques- tionable, though it’s not my place to dismiss them.
| should add that Dr MclInroy has pleaded his case before GSA Council as well, but no action has yet been taken. Not all members of our Council are convinced that the situ- ation is as dire as it seems. In fact, one of our councilors suggested that the Health Centre ought to consider paying the tuition and fees of any medical students who agree to serve a five-year term with the Health Centre (at a reasonable
salary) upon completion of the MD. This could solve the problem of a physician shortage while also avoiding unnecessary increases to students’ Health Services fee.
Dr Mclnroy admitted that this particular proposalhad not occurred to the UHC management, but that they would consider it.
HECTOR MACINTYRE VP Communication, GSA
Gateway editors obviously not pentathletes
Wow guys, I’m really surprised and unimpressed you let this one get by you (Re: “Track Bears, Pandas working out the kinks,” 9 February). It’s obvious that there was just a Google search on “pentathlon,” which came up with the modern pentathlon, an obscure sport con- tested in the Olympics almost entirely by Europeans—who, since they dominate the International Olympic Comittee, steadfastly refuse to drop it as a discipline even while discontinuing Olympic soft- ball, which is much more competi- tive internationally.
The pentathlon which you should have been able to properly describe is an indoor, shortened version of the decathlon. It consists of the 60m hurdles, the long jump, shot put, high jump and a 1000m run (800m for the ladies).
Also, the two athletes pictured with this article, while both excel- lent athletes, are no longer CIS com- petitors.
STEWART MAWDSLEY Science IV
PRESIDENTIAL EDITION
5000 SCORE,
Religious satire not the same as Holocaust denial
RegardingDennyTsang'sletter, “Free speech no defence for caricatures of Mohammed” (9 February)—no one denies we put limits on freedom of speech, but where do we stop?
You can’t compare holocaust denial with religious satire. The Danish cartoon was making a satirical comment on a very real phenomenon: suicide bombers committing acts of violence for the sake of their religion, which happens to be Islam. Having the freedom to make jokes about religion and poli- tics is an important part of western secular culture and isn’t something that we should allow other cultures to trample on. Ideological conflicts are inevitable, and we should be will- ing to stand our ground when our freedom of speech is threatened.
Therefore, | applaud those who dare to print the cartoon, not because they’re anti-Islamic bigots, but because they do so as an act of counter-protest to those who would use violence to silence them.
JULIE ROSSIGNOL Arts IV
Letters to the editor should be dropped off at room 3-04 of the Students’ Union Building, or e-mailed to opinion @gateway.ualberta.ca.
The Gateway reserves the right to edit letters for length and clarity, and to refuse publication of any letter it deems racist, sexist, libelous or other- wise hateful in nature.
Letters to the editor should be no longer than 350 words, and should include the name, student identifica- tion number, program and year of study of the author.
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
10) OPINION
Point-Counterpoint: is sex awesome, or is it overdone? Dont knock it til you try it, Storrie—sex is great
TIM PEPPIN
Point
Tknow what youre thinking, MrStorrie: “Sex is overrated,” “Sex is boring,” and, “I'm thirsty.” I even know what arguments you'll make: “The Internet provides much better return on my investment, of both time and money.” “When's the last time you actually saw three-breasted, doe-eyed elfmaidens have tentacle sex?” “What’s sex done for me lately that my hand hasn't?” and, “All the cups are dirty.”
While those are all good points, and combine to form a compelling and well-balanced argument against the continuation of paired human sexu- ality, I'm not going to address any of them, mostly to annoy you. Go fuck yourself—figuratively, of course. I’m not that generous with my compli- ments, and I know your shoe size.
Instead, I’m going to talk about the problem that you, and seemingly many others, as well, really have with sex. The problem, as I see it, is that you're an Arts student. Please don't jump to conclusions and assume that I'm making a cheap and offensive general- ization about the sexual ineptitude of an entire faculty—Im not. I'm making a cheap and offensive generalization about the sexual ineptitude of two fac- ulties—the engineers don’t know what they’re doing, either. In any case, the problem is that youre all living under Ezra Pound’s edict, struggling, sweat-
ing and moaning to make it new. But sex isn’t new, James. It’s old. Really old. And you'll find out soon enough that once you've done Doggie-Style, the Rickshaw, the Stick Shift, Intercellular Plasmid Exchange and the Dancing Crab of Hin-Sun Forest, it’s an uphill battle against experience.
The problem is the transferal of enjoyment from the act or object itself, to the discovery of novelty. I see the same thing with food. A culi- nary connoisseur isn’t concerned with the simple joy of chewing food, the delightful sensation of swallowing or with the satisfaction of a belly swollen from shameless gluttony.
... the problem is that youre all living under Ezra Pound’s edict, struggling, sweating and moaning to make it new.
Instead, they're interested in what country each obscure, bitter vegetable comes from, what difficult to reach part of the animal the disgusting, gelat- inous mass of “meat” in front of them was removed from, and who the chef’s primary culinary influences were.
But that attitude doesn’t make for good eating, James, and it doesn’t make for good sex. Think about it: don’t you like to swallow? I know you do. So stop lusting after Gei Gua, cut Hiyoshigigiri style, steamed in the cerebrospinal fluid of a mongoose, and just eat some steak and potatoes. You just might like it.
Try not to be common, Peppin—sex is so passé
JAMES STORRIE
MD couriersine.
Oh Timothy, you spike-haired, pervy horndog, were you raised in a barn? Didn't your parents teach you anything about morals and the basic principles of human dignity? All right, listen up, and I'll throw down a little wisdom passed on from my chief homeboy, Jesus. I'm not expecting you, a child of mere Peppins, to keep up with the son of God here, but make an effort.
Making love—or fucking, as you uncultured savages call it—is a euphemism. There’s nothing truly lovely about sexual intercourse. What we have instead is a sort of lowest- common-denominator activity, a base and empty form of personal enjoy- ment that should really be serving as a baseline for dignified behaviour. If you can’t think of something better to do with your time than stick or be stuck with various sundry parts of the human body, you are seriously failing at life here, T-Pep. We live in an era where the life of the mind can provide limitless enjoyment, from magazines to internet to Sudoku; why would you settle for the figurative equivalent of a night of wrasslin’ television and a bucket of KFC? Moreover, how could you stomach encouraging others to enjoy such debasement? Read some fucking Kant, you douchebag!
Now, I’m not claiming to be perfect here myself, as I’ve let my monstrous
phallus fall prey to marathon Reverse- Cowgirl sessions with my own fair share of field hockey teams and such, but we have to remember the true purpose of sexual desire. These urges don't exist to provide us with cheap jollies: they're here to remind us of the ultimate suckness of the human condition, to provide us with a little humility. There is something seri- ously wrong with a man, Mr Peppin, if he doesn't feel a pang of disap- pointment at having his actions con- trolled by a handful of hormones and pheromones.
.. Why would you
settle for the figurative equivalent ofa night of wrasslin‘ television and a bucket of KFC?
The true tragedy here, ironically, lies with the virgins of the world, socially and instinctually pressured to forego their integrity for ten to 15 minutes of profoundly uninteresting stimulation. Attractive lady-virgins on campus are encouraged to find me, and I'll do my best to alleviate their conditions.
The rest of us, however, know exactly how not-mind-blowing the sexual experience is, and just how much dignity we trade for it. Readers of this publication, stop uniting! You have nothing to lose but your colourful novelty handcuffs. Resist your primal urges, do something productive with your time, and don’t fuck anybody— especially not “meat and potatoes” Peppin.
*when we do your student taxes Not a valid coupon.
THEDU
This edition of the Sack is going out to this guy named, uh... “Raul,” for the awful treatment of his girlfriend. We'll call her “Mindy.”
The problem begins with Raul’s scro- tum. It’s not velvety at all. In fact, Raul’s scrotum is covered in these scraggy little hairs that smell kind of funny. He knows because he’s pulled some out and smlled them. What’s wrong with that? Nothing—at least not until Raul asks Mindy to tongue it despite not having showered in a couple of days.
Raul’s also a selfish and lazy lover— he expects any sort of oral or manual stimulation whenever he wants it, but never lasts longer than 15 minutes in bed, nor returns the favour. When he even bothers to go down on her, he mostly just flicks his tongue a couple of times before faking nausea and running to pretend vomit in the toilet so noisily that Mindy loses all sexual desire.
He also tells “Mindy” that she’s a bad lover, just to make her feel bad about herself and determined to try harder to please him. He makes her watch those late-night sex shows on the Life Network to get handjob tips, and discreetly positions her so that he can watch That 70's Showwhile having Sex.
So, for your failings as a man, it’s into the Sack for you, Raul. Stop being such ajerk.
PAUL OWEN
The Burlap Sack is a semi-regular fea- ture where a person or group who needs to be put in a sack and beaten is ridiculed in print. No sack beatings are actually administered.
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THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
OPINION 1]
How to get lucky on the cheap—a [ia
guide to Valentines Day strategies
ADAM GAUMONT
@ = YY; eee 5
p IN
Alright fellas, listen up: I’m going to let you in on a little secret here. Well, alright, the ladies can listen, too. In fact, I realize now that I have abso- lutely no control over who reads this. Anyways, no matter.
I'm here to tell you that Valentine’s Day is for suckers. And not in the, “Aw shucks, I’m single, nobody loves me” kind of way. I’m talking about suck- ers who already have girlfriends, or at least have designs on a special some- one, and who fall prey to the trappings of Valentine’s Day—or V-day as I call it—every year.
In case you haven't noticed, 14 February, which originally had to do with Cupid and Roman mythology or something, is now a commercialized racket designed to convince guys that the more they spend, the more their lady-friends will love them. The price of flowers is jacked up, which forces guys to shell out for a bouquet of roses at three to four times the normal price. Every quasi-romantic restaurant in the city is crammed to capacity, making it almost impossible to get a table before 9pm, and most make you buy pricey “tickets” that package together food, wine and a huge markup.
“Tm here to tell you that Valentine's Day is for suckers. And not in the, ‘Aw shucks, I'm single, nobody loves me’ kind of way. I'm talking about suckers who already have girlfriends, or at least have designs ona special someone, and who fall prey to the trappings of Valentine's Day—or V-day as I call it—every year.’
Now don’t get me wrong here: I’m not suggesting that you should boy- cott V-day altogether. No, sir. I’m just saying that if you want to make/keep your woman happy, you have to do something on top of it—or instead of it—as well.
It’s all about intentions here: if you only buy flowers for her because you have to, then it shows that you're doing it out of necessity, and not because you want to. If, on the other hand, you buy her flowers on a random day, then it shows that your inten- tions were to make her happy, and not simply to appease her de riguer. It’s like Sean Connery says in Finding Forrester: “The key to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.” Amen, Mr Connery!
By the time you read this, it will likely be too late. You'll probably already have made reservations, and youll undoubtedly have maxed out your credit card to pay for it all. Very well then—enjoy your night out on the town, sucker. But next year, instead of flocking with the rest of the herd to The Crepérie on 14 February, make her your Valentine a week or two before, seemingly out of the blue. Her favou-
the flowers and chocolates will be way cheaper, too. Then, come V-day, plan a special night together for just the two of you: go skating, make supper at your place, rent a movie, drive out to “make-out point’—anything will do, so long as it’s just the two of you. Then, lay back and enjoy the spoils of your labour (or lack thereof).
Make no mistake: as a boyfriend/ suitor/dude-who’s-desperate-to- get-laid, you still need to observe Valentine’s Day in order to stay out of the doghouse. But if you really want to get into her good books, then bust out the Valentine’s routine on a cold, cold night in January.
One final caveat: this won't work for every girl out there. Some may believe you to be cheap and insincere if you do this—just the opposite effect of what you were going for. But this likely isn’t the kind of girl you'll want to hook up with anyway, at least not long-term. And if youre going to spend all that time and money for one night of plea- sure, then you might as well just get a hooker—it’s much cheaper, the sex is dirtier and it takes significantly less time. Or so I'm told.
How to stay single using bacon—a suide to Valentines day strategies
CONAL PIERSE
Valentine’s Day: that magical time of year when girls who've been hurt by guys in the past are overly easy and go down faster than the second tower. Or, if youre currently involved, it means that you'll be paying significantly more money for sex. Of course, you'll prob- ably screw up somehow anyway, and end up spending the night masturbat- ing in a tub of cold water like the rest of us. Despite all this, there is a way that you can avoid shelling out money for a card with kittens and a horrible pun on it, and that way is to stay single.
I's quite common for so-called “love experts” to give dating tips at this time of year, yet nobody is giving you advice on how to go about stay- ing single. That’s where me and my 20-odd years of studying in the field of assholery come in. Just follow my handy field guide to singledom and you'll get rejected faster than Michael Jackson applying for babysitting jobs.
The first thing you need to work on is personal hygiene, or more impor- tantly, a lack of it. A firm, offensive odour is the first thing you need to keep women at bay. Your ideal smell is what's known as “hot garbage”—the overwhelmingly thick smell of trash left out in the sun, but with a hint of citrus. Once this has been established you can leave it as is, or up the ante by
dousing yourself in cans of Axe.
It’s also important to be sweaty. I can’t express strongly enough how effective it is to make everything bacon. A diet rich in bacon products will give you that profuse sweating that turns any- where you sit into a slip and slide. Note that I’m not stressing obesity here, just that bacon is nature’s way of making you sweat like a warthog in heat. If for some reason a woman gets past your outward odour defences, and still wishes to make naughty with you, try to ensure that you have a mean stink dink. Your pants should smell worse than a Swedish cheese factory. And stop brushing your teeth. Bad breath is key.
Just follow my handy field guide to singledom and you'll get rejected faster than Michael Jackson applying for babysitting jobs.
Once you've mastered the art of the putrid smell, it’s time to bone up on your conversation skills. First, women should always be presented with detailed information on to the state of your bowels. If you feel a mean shit coming on, make every female pres- ent aware of this. The best way to do this is to wait for an awkward pause in the conversation. Nothing seals your creepdom better than filling those silent moments with a remark like, “Man, that Mexican food is going to
spice my one-ring on the way out.”
Also, try to find something to be really pretentious about. Pick a random subject, but make sure it isn’t so obscure as to never come up in conversation, and learn everything there is to learn about it. When this subject comes up, become disproportionately angry, interject with a very loud “Excuse me,” and then proceed to fill in your con- versation partners irrelevant minutiae. Talso find the words “titty,” “vaginer” and “cunt” to be especially offensive to women, and thus they should be used often. For example: “Man, that bitch has some rude titties,” and, “Stephen Harper is a douche-faced cunt.”
Women also like men who can dance, so you're going to have to make sure you aren't one of those men. If you are a man who can dance, and can’t help this affliction, try to coun- terbalance it by either being the guy who spins glowsticks around like he’s fighting an army of ghosts, or the guy with the constant scowl who spins his hat around his head and generally looks like an all-around fuck while he poplocks. If you do, however, have zero dancing ability, make sure you act like you don’t know it. Go hard. Also try to bang against as many women with your cock as possible. Let your wang be your diving rod, and beat her with it like Bobby Brown.
I hope this guide has been helpful in your quest to remain single, and if for some reason this Valentine's Day women aren't shooting you down like the Red Baron, don’t worry: someday you'll achieve true repulsiveness. Just make sure you buy stock in Vaseline before then.
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12. OPINION
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
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STDs are everywhere, but which one’s the best?
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GROUP COMMENTARY
EvanSmith
Chlamydia trachomatis is the world’s most common sexually transmitted disease. So common, in fact, that with only $20 I was able to locate a prostitute to discreetly infect my dear friend Todd, in the interests of scientific research.
Like half of all males afflicted with the Clam, Todd had no symptoms. However, after a quick checkup I was assured that Todd’s chance of having an ectopic pregnancy had increased from 0 per cent to 0 per cent. I was then informed that this percentage increase would have been higher if Todd had fallopian tubes. Instead of ectopic pregnancy, Todd was noted to have “piss like jalapeno paste,” and “balls like bruised fruit.”
Isoon learned that Chlamydia is not only the most common STD, but also the most common cause of preventable blindness. Blindness is not only effec- tive in lowering ones egotisical sexual standards, but also in reducing one’s chance of being offended by the light- hearted and profane rambings of cer- tain unversity news rags. Chlamydia is very much a gateway disease.
Its simple treatment makes it ideal for those who are just starting out in the STD scene and wishing to test the waters before penetrating right in. In fact, Chlamydia is so accessible a disease that it crosses species lines, infecting everything from koalas to penguins. It’s these factors and more that makes Chlamydia the ideal bacte- rial infection for sodomites and gate- way STDers alike.
Iris Tse
One of the first and most iconic paparazzi images of the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ Unconvincing
February 15, 2006
Find out about the Bachelor of Arts degree completion and transfer opportunities by attending our Information Session.
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MacEwan City Centre Campus, Room 6-212, 10700 104 Ave. 6:30 p.m. — 7:30 p.m.
www.MacEwan.ca/ba Call (780) 497-5653 for more information.
Handsy Lovers World Tour was of an unkempt Holmes shopping in Hollywood while sporting a nasty set of cold sores. Ever since then, the cold sore—or, more accurately, herpes— has occupied an important place in pop culture history.
No other STD has so successfully completed the link between a batshit crazy __ religion—Scientology—and lifetime viral infection that causes occasional outbreaks of fluid-filled blisters—the Herpes Simplex Virus. The fact that there are two different types of herpes allows for even zestier combo than whatever scabies could offer.
This also makes herpes the most ass- kicking, or more accurately, career- aborting, STD ever, leaving behind in its wake the massacred career poten- tial of Joey Potter and Maverick.
Which is great because, fuck, I hated Joey Potter.
PaulOwen
Clearly the best STD—or STI as you new-wave hippy linguists are call- ing them nowadays—is the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, or the HIV. Now, weve not talking Haley Joel Osment-style “Walker told me I have AIDS”; I mean Magic Johnson “No one wants to guard me in case I bleed on them, but I still have unprotected sex with at least three women a week, or I did before I got fat” HIV positive.
Let’s face it, having the HIV (pro- nounced as one syllable with a short i) without having AIDS is like finishing second on American Idol: you're still getting a recording contract, but you don’t have to deal with the potential harmful side-effects, like people tell- ing you Bo Bice is better than you, or death. But my favourite reason to get behind the HIV comes from Golden Bear basketball coach Don Horwood, who—when forced to remove a bleed- ing Jeff Stork from a game this week- end—protested with the refs saying, “You don’t know Jeff Stork. He can’t have HIV! It’s impossible!” I believe that, as they say, isa “burn.” Oh burn, Jeff. Burn.
YOUR INFORMATION SESSION.
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Scott Lilwall
While everyone can find themselves drawn in by the exotic and mysterious nature of some of your fancier, foreign STDs, sometimes you just have to root for the hometown boy. Gonorrhea, commonly known as the Clap, is one of the most common treatable sexual diseases in the world. It is the salt-of- the-earth STD, historically common among sailors and brothel workers; the Clap has a working-class, nose-to- the-grindstone ethic that warms that heart—and, incidentally, reddens the area around the urethra.
More thanany otherSTD, Gonorrhea can bring families closer together. It’s possible for an infected woman to pass on a Gonorrhea-caused eye infection to her child while giving birth. This, of course, builds family unity. Mother and child, friends and family ... every- one can go on down to the free clinic together and get that good old shot of penicillin. While holding hands. And singing. Now that’s wholesome.
Chris Krause
What makes a sexually transmitted dis- ease really awesome? How about your mom getting it? That’s right: pregnancy afflicted the mothers of every single person reading this article right now. No exceptions. I'd like to see scabies get those kinds of numbers! And make no mistake; pregnancy is bad-ass.
Don’t know what I mean? Let’s take a look at the facts. Billions of dollars are spent every year to prevent it, and it’s one of the most potent threats for dis- couraging teen sex. We're talking about a condition where, if after nine months of suffering youre forced to squeeze a purple, mucous-covered football-sized mass out your vagina, you got off easy. If things don’t go “right,” the risks range from diabetes to massive hemorrhage to death, and that’s just for the mother. That burning discharge is starting to sound pleasant, isn’t it?
So, for its sheer, awe-inspiring fear- someness, pregnancy undoubtedly deserves a place as one of the greatest STDs.
MacEwan
Pi chology
www.MacEwan.ca
THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
OPINION 13
: PHOTO ILLUSTRATION: ALEENA REITSMA GETTING A MOUTHFUL There are lots of great places to have sex on campus. The food court isn’t one of them.
Sex on campus—a late Orientation guide
PAUL
“Where can I get laid?” During the weekend I spent as an Orientation leader this September—a time that none of you probably remember since all but one of you lousy first-year fuck- twats in my group ditched after about an hour and a half—that was my most frequently asked question, even more common than, “Dude, when does the Plant open?” and, “What the fuck were you thinking?” after having assaulted the president on-stage during her address.
Now, the answer to this question, at least when posed by a female, was invariably, “The back seat of my car in about 20 minutes.” But for those of you who ask that question without the implied “by Paul Owen” at the end, there’s quite a task ahead of you. Finding a good fucky-sucky spot on campus isn’t exactly easy, especially with the 5-0 on your tail.
The logical spot would be a dorm room in Lister. Now, this isn’t neces- sarily adequate for those thrill-seeker exhibitionists who want the chance of someone seeing their cock and/or
womancock, but it is your safest bet. That’s not to say it’s without problems: the roommate conundrum, paper- thin walls and the chance of catching gonorrhoea from the bed sheets have to raise you to at least terror-threat- level maroon.
Next, daunted by the challenges of Lister, you'll probably want to try a secluded corner in CAB or SUB. Do not do this. Anyplace where there’s the potential to encounter people eating is a high-risk zone. While in other locales, someone who notices you might just shrug it off with a “what is this world coming to?” look, when a man’s food is involved, you can bet your bare ass that it'll be hauled off to campus security HQ.
Soon you'll be trying the engineer- ing buildings. Aww, who am I kidding? Only engineers go to engineering buildings, and they never get laid. They're too busy taking six courses and wanting to kill themselves.
Moving along, avoid at all costs the science buildings. For all you know, they good be testing some sort of anti-Viagra medication or a chemical that gives a vagina teeth or something. The last place you want to be naked is around a bunch of potentially harm- ful chemicals. Or toothed vaginas.
Many people then try Rutherford library, thinking that the secluded bookracks provide ample cover for a little midday quickie. The problem
with this theory is that there are a lot of professors giving out pesky “assign- ments,” and “essays,” and “research papers.” Now, Iwouldn’tknow because I've never actually “researched” a paper per se—it’s more of a making it up as I go along thing—but rumour has it that the required reading mate- rial can often be found nowhere other than Rutherford Library.
Even if you do avoid those keen- ers who actually do their homework, you still need to deal with those pesky librarians who are constantly roaming around doing their jobs and return- ing books to shelves and stuff. There’s a reason that those who attempt to fuck in Rutherford always hit Campus Crime Beat come Tuesday morning.
The last spot I'll discuss for PDA is the Ag-For Atrium. It’s quiet; it’s warm; it’s generally devoid of people. There are even benches. The only thing they could do to make it more accommodating is to mount condom dispensers on the walls. Of course, the entire thing is enclosed in glass, meaning that it’s pretty hard not to be seen by a random passer-by. And there’s also the chance that an over- friendly bird could want to make it an unfortunate threesome.
So there you have it. I guess there really is no good place to have sex while you're supposed to be studying and learning. Except of course, for the back seat of my car.
Bathrooms: the last bastion of sexism and homophobia
NINA VARSAVA
The most obvious and most unques- tioned gender segregation at the U of A involves our washrooms and change rooms. This segregation is founded on the assumption of uni- form heterosexuality, and is in des- perate need of re-evaluation. Our society can no longer rely on hetero- sexual comfort zones that cater to a dominant majority and neglect a sig- nificant minority.
Heterosexuals nonchalantly change in gender-specific locker rooms, operating under the assump- tion of standardized heterosexual- ity that our societal structures feed. The majority of people fail to con- sider that these gender-segregated domains do not equally serve non- heterosexuals. Heterosexuals feel sex- ually “safe” because they’re made to
believe that gender-segregated wash- rooms and change rooms are basically void of sexual energy; non-heterosex- uals know that they are not.
Obviously, gender-desegregation would produce great discomfort in those that currently use these public facilities with ease, and maybe public washrooms and change rooms would simply always be areas of consciously high sexual tension. But, at least they would be so for everyone equally.
Not only does gender segregation nourish heterosexual assumptions, it also cultivates inter-gender fears and expectations. Bathrooms and change rooms are segregated under the belief that if women and men shared such spaces, they would sexually exploit each other. Men would peek through the cracks at women in cubicles; women would check out men at the urinals and later exchange juicy details. Not all heterosexual men are inconsiderate pigs, and not all hetero- sexual women are callously judgmen- tal. But as things currently stand, men and women are generalized as such.
And then, of course, there are the pragmatic reasons why this gender
segregation needs to end now. Although I had to include some token moral arguments, these practical rea- sons in themselves are more than enough to justify desegregation. I know this is an exhausted complaint, but consider washroom line-ups: it just makes no sense that I have to wait in line for a cubicle when I’m already late for class if there’s an entire empty washroom next door.
Also, men need to be privy to the fascinating discussions—particularly those revolving around feminism— that unfold on the cubicle walls of the women’s washrooms. Of course, I can’t speak for the writing that goes on in the men’s washrooms, but if it’s any bit as interesting as in the wom- en’s, then I want in. And once these presently single-gender discussions coalesce, imagine the possibilities that will abound!
So, in the name of sexual and gender equality—and, of course, pragmatism—we must begin to break down society’s presumptuously het- erosexual walls. The washrooms and change rooms here at the U of A are ideal places to start.
to Clareview
4-WALK-ME
www.su.ualberta.ca/safewalk i SAFEWAL
STUDENT LEADERS WANTED NOMINATIONS ARE OPEN
President, Vice Presidents, Board of Governor Representative Deadline February 16" 17:00
SU and GFC Councillors Deadline March 14" 17:00
NOMINATION PACKAGES AVAILABLE AT 2-900 SUB
University of Alberta Students’ Union Elections 2006
14 OPINION
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
GFC COMMITTEES: STUDENTS NEEDED
‘The terms of office for students serving on General Faculties Council (GFC) Standing Commit- tees and Appeal Boards and committees to which GFC elects members will expire on April 30, 2006.
Undergraduate and graduate students (except as noted) are encouraged to apply now to serve on any of the following committees for terms of office beginning May 1, 2006, and ending April 30, 2007. (Some students currently serving on these committees may be seeking re-election to serve additional terms.)
Seudent Vacancies Meeting Times
ACADEMIC PLANNING COMMITTEE (APC): GFC’s senior committee dealing with academic, financial and planning issues.
ACADEMIC STANDARDS COMMITTEE (ASC): GEC committee dealing with admissions, academic standing, transfer and exami- nation policies.
CAMPUS LAW REVIEW COMMITTEE (CLRC): Reviews Code of Student Behaviour, Code
of Applicant Behaviour and Residence Community
Standards.
COMMITTEE ON THE LEARNING ENVIRONMENT (CLE): Promotes excellence in
teaching and optimal learning environment and provides for appropriate information resources to the University community.
FACILITIES DEVELOPMENT COMMITTEE (FDC): Recommends on planning and use of facilities, proposed buildings, use of land, park- ing and transportation.
UNDERGRADUATE AWARDS AND SCHOLARSHIP COMMITTEE (UASC): Approves new awards for undergraduate students includ- ing selection and eligibility.
UNIVERSITY TEACHING AWARDS COMMITTEE (UTAC);: Adjudicates the Ruth- erford Award for Excellence in Undergraduate Teaching, the William Hardy Alexander Award for Excellence in Sessional Teaching, and the Teaching Unit Award. ACADEMIC APPEALS COMMITTEE (AAC) / UNIVERSITY APPEAL BOARD
(UAB): AAC hears and decides appeals regarding academic standing. UAB hears and decides appeals regarding disciplinary decisions of the Discipline Officer and Dean as made under the Code of Student Behaviour.
COUNCIL ON STUDENT AFFAIRS
(COSA): The aim of the Council is the betterment of the quality of student life at the University of Alberta.
ONE und
ONE und
ergraduate & 2:00 pm/2nd& 4th Wednesdays ONE graduate
ergraduate
9:00 am/3rd Thursday
(Undergraduate students who
have transfer:
red from an Alberta
college are encouraged to apply.)
ONE und
ONE graduate
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ergraduate & 9:30 am/last Thursday
ergrad 2:00 pm/ Ist Wednesday
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TWO undergraduates & | Normally meets three times a year
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(October, March and April)
Hearings are normally scheduled from 4:30 pm onward and last from three to five hours. Stu- dents applying to either committee must have flexible late afternoon/evening schedules. YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE AT LEAST TWO NIGHTS MONDAY-— THURSDAY. Please provide the names and contact information for at least three references, as oral reference checks will be conducted for both committees.
Application forms and committee information are available in PDF format on the University Secretariat website: http://www.ualberta.ca/secretariat/, or in Room 2-5 University Hall. Applications should be completed and returned to the University Secretariat by Wednesday, March 4, 2006. For information
regarding committee membership and terms of reference, students are invited to contact: Ms Marlene Lewis,
Secretary to the GFC Nominating Committee (NC), at 492-1938, or by e-mail: marlene.lewis@ualberta.ca.
NOTE: There is ONE STUDENT VACANCY on the GFC EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE for an under- graduate student who is a GFC member. Expressions of interest should be directed to Mr. Garry Bodnar, Secretary to the GFC Replenishment Committee.
Financial support available to facilitate healthy, active lifestyle projects!
The Campus Recreation Enhancement Fund (CREF) was created to help ensure that high quality campus recreation programs, equipment and facilites remain
diverse, convenient, accessible, equitable,
and affordable to all University of Alberta Students’ Union members.
Recreation for all is an integral part of a positive U of A expereince. Therefore, those organizations applyling for funding from CREF must show that their request will have a positive impact on student life at the University of Alberta. The request must facilitate healthy, active lifestyles for University of Alberta students.
Application forms may be obtained in the Campus Recreation Offices; Wed., Feb. 1 Rm. W-10 and W-90, Van Vliet Centre
or ONLINE at; www.campusrec.ualberta.ca
Deadline for Applications Wednesday, March 1, 2006 @ 4:30PM
Proud to be a 20-year-old virgin
RAMIN OSTAD
Before I even begin this article, let’s get the for- malities out of the way: I’m a 20-year-old virgin. That’s right, only 20 years left to go. Being of the unsexed persuasion, it still surprises me that, even in this day and age, virginity still has sucha stigma surrounding it. I mean, with liberal femi- nism telling girls to “free” themselves sexually and the natural bravado of male insecurity, it’s not exactly easy for one to justify the choice of being a virgin at my age—and yes, it’s a choice. The truth is, though, that there are plenty of benefits to being a virgin. Or, at least, I’m pretty sure they’re benefits.
Now, people who make a conscious decision to be a virgin do so for many reasons. Personally, I've abstained because I think losing your virgin- ity is a very important step in personal devel- opment. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the “Clinton” definition of sex—where intercourse is sex, and the rest is what you make of it. But, in that regard, sex itself is a very vulnerable and emotional act that shouldn't be taken lightly, and should be done with someone you trust, if not love. I mean, as great as the pressure is to lose your virginity, the pressure to do it well is even greater.
But let’s be realistic, no man is good their first time. You can train yourself in all the foreplay and read all the faulty and completely subjec-
tive sex-help books you want, but the sad fact is, 90 per cent of men don’t do that well their first time. If you do it with someone you trust, and have an emotional connection with, then you can be secure enough to know that, when you inevitably fail, you'll have someone who'll sup- port you and let you try again.
Now, some of you are probably thinking “But dude, that’s so ... so ... really? A virgin?” That makes you insecure. Other, more rational people are probably either agreeing with me, or still straddling the fence—and you can bet your sweet ass that was a pun. Well, from my experience, another more surprising benefit to being a virgin at our age group is that there are plenty of women out there who find this qual- ity appealing. Those not stained by having Paris Hilton as their role model—or conversely, Anne Coulter—want someone who’s mature and, well, sensitive. These women know that the person they have feelings for—that’s you—isn’t some schmuck with an STD count longer than he is. That’s not to say that promiscuity leads to being disease-riddled, but it’s not exactly safe, either. Showing that you can make a mature decision on such an important matter can, oddly enough, get you a lot of tang.
So, you can see, virginity isn’t all that big a deal, if it’s for the right reasons. I mean, God knows you don’t want to be one of those people who never gets any attention from whichever sex you prefer, doomed to obscurity by your passion for video games and social awkwardness. Heh .. yeah, that would suck. I, on the other hand, am completely happy with my choice, and hope that this gives you people a little more insight on the matter. Just remember, not every virgin is a loser. Some of us just like it that way.
_
PHOTOILLUSTRATION: JOSH NAULT
IDON’T THINK IT’S IN YET picking: should be hot, dirty and er Stairwells are great for it.
I dont want to make love—I want to fuck
MIKE SMITH
Man, I want to fuck. Well, I am a guy, so of course, that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone, but I want to talk about that word, and its connotations. Sex is a broad word that has many definitions and situations, but fucking, as it applies to sex, is actually surprising specific. When you say you want to fuck someone, it hardly has anything to do with love and everything to do with lust, and those are two different things.
When you love someone, you rarely fuck them, especially if you've been with that person for a long time. That isn’t to say you rarely have sex, although that might be true, but it means that sex empowered by love is based not on lust, but on an emotional connection that you share. You're both at your most vulnerable during those intimate moments, and when you're having sex you aren’t thinking about how much you want to blow your load all over her face. You're think- ing about her, and embracing the joy of being so close to your loved one.
Making love is a type of sex, but it’s the emo- tional antithesis to fucking. This isn’t to say you can’t fuck when you love someone, but it’s much harder to turn those feelings of love off and give
someone a good fucking than one might think.
Fucking, on the other hand, is a purely physi- cal experience. If you have more than slight emotional ties with the person you are with, it really starts to become more than fucking. When I fuck, I primarily think about myself: This isn’t because I’m a selfish bastard, although I am, but because that’s what fucking is. Both parties are there for one thing, to reach orgasm. Sure, I might try my best to make sure a girl is having a good time, but honestly, that’s more to mas- sage my own ego than any caring I have for her, because good fucking is with someone you don’t have any real emotional bond to.
What bothers me is that people seem to fail to understand the subtleties of sex. Many people consider the words fucking and love-making to be synonyms, when in fact those words exist because they all say different things. Would you honestly call picking up a girl in a bar and having sex with her “love-making?” At the same time, saying you fucked your partner when what actu- ally happened was a shared emotional experi- ence is stupid. People can actually betray their true feelings towards their relationship even in these words, because if you think the sex you have with your partner is purely fucking, you are either in denial or not really in love.
So, yes, I want to fuck. I don’t just want to make love, I want a pure physical experience where I share as much caring for the girl I'm with as I do for my own hand, because let’s be honest, I’ve fucked myself many times. I'd just like to start fucking other people sometimes.
THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
FEATURE 45
LET'S TALK ABOUT
For more than a decade, the Gateway has, each Valentine’s Day, produced a purity test for the con- sumption of the University public. Since the test’s inception, that issue has been the most popular single issue each year, and the test itself overshad- ows much of the rest of the issue. So, this year we decided that we wouldn’t fight the pull of the purity test, and we would dedicate an entire supplement to sex. We hope you enjoy it.
Photos by Pete Yee, Aleena Reitsmen, Josh Nault, Ben Begley, Matt Frehner, Nathalie Nadeau, Mike Kendrick, Dana Komperdo, Phil Head, Dominique Leger, Samantha Oler, Mike Otto.
Illustrations by Mike Robertson
Contents
e | totally tapped that by Chris O'Leary The life of an athlete can be a difficult one, yet sometimes there are those who just want to make your life a little bit easier. Page 16-17
¢ Taking a crack at the vagina by Tim Peppin Gateway resident sex-pert Tim Peppin’s guide to taming the pussy. Also, rebuttals from the female Gateway staff members. Page 18-20
e I’m too sexy for the Purity Test
by Gateway staff and volunteers
The Gateway’s annual World Famous Purity Test. Compare your score to that of Gateway celebrities when you're done.
Page 21-22 e Your condom broke, now what? by Iris Tse
Page 23-24 ¢ Binding agreement by Carolynn Burkholder Who's to say you can’t have a little fun. Even when you're all tied up.
Page 25-26 e All the cool kids are not doing it by Carolynn Burkholder And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth the wait
Page 27-28
Also See:
Commentary on sex in the Opinion Section Strip Club reviews in A&E
16. FEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
You can usually pick out the athlete on a team who's a favourite with the opposite sex. Their name draws a high-pitched collective squeal from a select portion of the crowd as the starting lineups are introduced in the pre-game; the same group randomly shouts out during the game that they love them, and if you have the unfortunate task of interviewing these athletes in the post-game, you're guaran- teed to have to wait through what we at the Gateway have in the past described as, “fans, well-wishers and/or supporters of their efforts” before you can even start the interview process. The Gateway recently sat down with a former Golden Bear, who dished about the program’s most committed fans and his experiences with them only on the assurance of anonymity (we've called him “M”). While it’s impos- sible to verify that these events actually happened, keep in mind the words tM told
me: “If you think I'm bullshitting, ask anyone around here.”
FEATURE BY CHRIS O”’LEARY
High school days
Gateway: A girl who went to school with you told me that wh you even had groupies when you were in high school.
M: Man, all | can say is that after my grade twelve year, those kids were never allowed to have a team room again. That's all | can say. It’s still barred to this day. They have to change in the main locker room. | had the only key. | was the captain (laughs/cackles, which really added to this story). How funny is that?
Gateway: What happened exactly?
M: Ask this guy (nudges a former high school teammate) about it.
Teammate: There was some function going on at school. M: It was called, “A touch of class.” A touch of ass (laughs).
Teammate: It was formal; everyone dressed up. The school day was over and we were waiting for practice to start. This guy (points) is hanging out with his girlfriend, who he’s got in the team room. Anyway, they're in the team room going at it and he gets caught by the coach laying down on the bench with this girl and we got banned from the team room after that because of him and the “touch of ass.”
The Halifax girls a
the elevator
M: I think my best story ever happened after we lost out on nationals one year, | came home on the elevator—are you recording this?
Gateway: Yeah, it's on.
M: | was in the hotel elevator. | basically made a mistake that kept us out of the national championship game. It was prob-
ably one of the worst days of my life. | was in the locker room by myself, crying for an hour after. | picked up a 40 of gin on the way home. | didn’t want to think about anything else.
These two girls get on the elevator. They're very attractive young ladies. One blonde, one brunette, wearing kind-of scandalous clothes. | don’t give a shit, right? | just want to go to my room and sulk. We've got our team dinner in an hour and I’m thinking, “I'll have a few drinks in my room and then just drink my night away.” These two girls slide in and start chit-chatting and they ask me if | want to hang out for a bit. I’m like, “Whatever, I'm just going to my room to drink for a bit. | just had a really shitty game.” They say nothing about my sport. They come into my room and I’m drinking a bottle of gin with these two random girls. | don’t care anything about them. Then my buddy from Regina gives me a call to see what I'm up to and how I'm doing.
He comes over and we're having some drinks and these girls go, “Okay, we just gotta go to the washroom and we'll be right back.” They go in together. And these two girls come out of the washroom, freaking buck naked. Buck naked!
Gateway: No way!
M: | don't give a shit. | just want to sit there and drink. So, I’m like, “Okay whatever.” We start ... | have one bed; the guy from Regina has another. Both girls are naked and they each pick one of us and we get under the covers, and we start getting our freak on. | remember vividly that The Real McCoy is blasting on the radio, freakin’ “Mr Vain” is pumping on the radio. About 20 min- utes in, these two girls are drinking gin still and getting wasted and | don't care, I’m just doing this because, you know?
The other girl goes, “Hey, let's trade.” So one jumps onto my bed, naked. We trade and we start going. We all finish the bottle of gin and an hour later I’m like, “Okay, everyone get the fuck out, I'm having a shower and I’m going to a team dinner.” We came home from the bar that night and the two girls were sitting outside our room waiting for us and we did it all over again.
My aunt in
Winnipeg
M: This is one that Coach tells. Gateway: Your coach knows your stories?
M: I’ve got a rep all over this squad. Ask one of these guys what his favourite story is about me.
Teammate: Winnipeg. The aunt. The one you met in the stands after the game that was fuckin’ ... 40.
M: | met her in Edmonton and we kept in touch on MSN. I’m in Winnipeg, I’m with a teammate and | tell him I’ve got this girl and she wants to go to a club. We get all changed up, we're ready to rock and roll and she calls and says she’s downstairs in the lobby. I’m waiting in the lobby and the men’s and women’s coaches are eating there. Get this on tape. Okay, so | meet
her at the bar and she’s over 40 and she’s banging. She’s got kids, she’s divorced—but that's beside the point. | meet her at the lobby of the Winnipeg Radisson hotel. | walk in and three coaches are sitting down for dinner. This lady walks in and they go, “Woah, who's the lady?” On my way out I'm like, “It’s just my aunt, Coach. She's just my aunt.” So | take my teammate with me back to her van and this lady has to move the baby seats to the back because we got a few friends going to the bar. They go in, while me and her stay in the minivan and, you know ... the guys come back and then the night’s done. So word gets out to one of the assistant coaches that this lady actually wasn't my aunt. To this day, to this year—hey, how many times, has coach talked about this story?
Teammate: Two or three
Another teammate: 20 or 30!
THE GATEWAY « VOWMEXCVI NUMBERS4
FEATURE 17
M: Thank you. Yeah, he freaking loves this story. So they found out it wasn’t my aunt, that it was an older lady. The next night she came to my game and | absolutely destroyed the other team. Coach was like, “You've got to tell your aunt to come to every road game.” Ask him about it. He'll love it.
Coach: [M] needs to give his aunt's number to some of our cur- rent guys.
Current Bear: It happened three years ago and you're still talking about it.
Coach: Hey, what the heck? | gotta follow this guy’s life. That’s what I'm always going to remember about this program, is [M’s] aunt.
Another teammate: Are you talking about the auntie? Some guys may have said some other suspect stuff, just to bring him down. | always had his back. If | was in his shoes, | would have banged ... 30, 35, 40. Fuck. The older the berry the sweeter the juice!
Former Bear: That's my favourite story. That and the one about an opposing coach's daughter. She still e-mails me.
Gateway: How'd you meet her?
M: On the elevator.
Gateway: That was the girl!?
M: That was the girl! That's why it’s so crazy! When her and her friend left that day, | was like, “What are you doing here, anyway?” She says, “I was just here for nationals.” | was like,
“Oh do you know someone? Do you play?” She was like, “No my dad is a coach."
The mandatory
threesome story
Former Bear: We were out at UBC. There's this friend that I’d had out there for a long time. The guys all head out to the bar on the
Friday and | stay back. | tell them I'm gonna chill, that I've got a friend. This girl was hot. She brings her best friend and we have a threesome in the hotel.
Gateway: That's what | was waiting for, the threesome story. That's the gamut. You've run the whole gamut.
M: So she brings her friend, they come to the game on Saturday and after, they're hanging out in the lobby and they come up when the guys are gone and head right into the shower.
And | videotaped it.
Taking one for
the team
M: We were in Victoria, at the One Lounge. There were these two gorgeous, gorgeous girls. My teammate and | were work- ing them and they ended up coming back to the hotel with us. | gave up the room to my roommate, so we ended up going out to the fire escape on the stairs. We spent three hours on the fire escape. It was amazing.
So close yet so
far away
M: We were in LA ... no, it was Hawaii, in 2004. New Year's Eve. I'm at the bar with my boys, having some drinks. There are five or six girls and I'm buying them all drinks. I’m spending American dollars, and the exchange rate is not that good, so I'm spending like $75 CAD per round. This one girl is around 35, just a gor- geous body. | tell her we're from Edmonton and she’s like, “Bull shit!" We show her our drivers’ licenses and it turns out she’s a nurse on her incumbent in Hawaii on her exchange. She pulls out her Alberta driver's license to prove it. Twenty minutes later, I’m
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hitting it on the beach. We go back to her place, then to a Burger King and we called it a night.
Gimme a
C-0-U0-G-A-R
M: | was at a team wedding in Calgary; | was the young guy there. All the guys want this one bridesmaid. She’s gorgeous. She was a former cheerleader. Everyone’s hitting on this girl; I'm just at the bar, keeping to myself, getting bombed. She walks up to me and she’s about 30 with huge fake bombs; she’s from San Diego and just gorgeous. She goes, “| don't know what your name is or who you are, but by the end of the night you're coming home with me.” And | have all these ex-Bears being like ... “there’s no way this guy’s getting this.”
Me and her end up out in the parking lot, with a video camera outside on, and she says to me, “What's the worst thing you've ever done in your life? “I'm kinda scared now.” She says, “What about this?” She strips down, buck naked. And she’s like, “Right here, right now.” We did it on top of the car of a guy | know, right there in the parking lot. That was one of the greatest nights of my life. | still have a scar on my chest from where she bit me so hard. The guy still doesn’t know about what we did on his car, either. He wouldn't be happy about it.
Gateway: Okay seriously, how many were there?
M: People are like, “In your five years, what's your count?” | have no idea. There’s so many of them; you've seen it after the games. We'll tell them we have plans, and they'll say, “We'll be here in half an hour, an hour. | can’t wait to see you. Call me. Call me after the bar when your parents aren't here [in front of them].” It was like that every week, man.
Draw date: February 15th, 2006
the ro
18 FEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MIKE ROBERTSON
Taking a crack at the vagina
Tim Peppin’s guide to taming the pussy
In some ways this is a rather foolish undertaking. Everybody’s different, as you may have noticed— particularly if you've managed to get their pants off. People’s anatomies, expectations and prefer- ences can vary dramatically. Some people like to be flagellated while wearing diapers; some apparently believe endless missionary to be the finest in love- making. However, be that as it may, most people aren't diaper-wearing sex perverts; most at the very least like a bit of doggie-style, and there are some general principles, attitudes and techniques that will serve you well in most of your amorous endeavours.
You may have heard before that the mind is the most important erotic zone. Whoever told you that was both wrong and guilty of perpetuating a really irritating cliché—show me the girl who can imagine herself to orgasm and, well, I'll be really impressed. The most important female erotic zone, for the purposes of achieving orgasm, is clearly the vagina, and more specifically, the clitoris. What people really mean is that, in order to get there, a girl has to be turned on. So to be good at cunni- lingus, you have to be good at inspiring arousal—a much more difficult task.
The very first thing you need to address is your own attitude. I’m going to stick my neck out here and claim that there’s no female who really enjoys being eaten as though it were a grudging favour. Having someone’s mouth on you can be a little unsettling, and | don’t know of any girls who can get off when they’re nervous. So one of the most important things you can do (for both of you) is to genuinely enjoy yourself. Don’t treat it as something unpleasant you have to suffer through to show her you care. Don’t say anything negative about it. Let her know through your words and body language that you love to touch her and give her pleasure for its own sake. Relaxation and trust have to come before arousal.
Everybody has sensitive little nooks on their body that for whatever reason they love to have touched, kissed, licked and caressed more than others. It’s
different for each person, but everybody has them, and there's a lot of overlap. Take the time to find them and explore them. The obvious ones are the edges of the ears, the front, sides and back of the neck, the inner thighs and the nipples. But don’t just head for her breasts as though you're a starv- ing baby—they are typically more sensitive, but they aren't magic buttons. Make her feel that her whole body is desired, and that her breasts are just a fantastic part of it. Besides, there are plenty of other places that can get attention, from the small of the back to the underside of the arm; take your time and explore.
So far, so good. Knowing or discovering her spots is a great start, and now, if you take some care in how you manipulate them, she'll be dying for some grat- ification. Try never to let your hands be idle—keep them roving with slow, languorous movements. Try to always have at least two or three points of contact with her body (your chest, belly, legs, whatever), and change them up. Try exhaling gently against parts of her that have thin skin or peach fuzz, then slide your hands over so the moisture never chills. And, when you’re up near her ears, exhale near them so she can hear it, nuzzle them with your face and murmur in them. You can also murmur filthy things in her ears when you’re up there—tell her what you’re going to do to her; tell her how much you want to taste her; tell her how sexy she is.
You get the idea. Whatever you do, act deliberately and with purpose. There are few things that can kill a mood like the perception of incompetence, insin- cerity or indifference. Don’t do or say anything if your voice or body language will betray you. Get in to what you're doing, and don't be ashamed.
The question that now springs to mind is, if you’re mucking around so much with the rest of her body, what do you do with her pussy? The right answer, at least for a slow tease, is nothing. I've been told that the most intense sensation short of orgasm is that first touch of the tongue or fingers. And if that’s the case, you want to make sure she’s as worked up as she can be.
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FEATURE 49
Now “nothing” is a little extreme, I'll admit. It’s just very important to understand the effect of anticipa- tion. Ideally you want her focusing on the idea of your touch and her pleasure, so you want to suggest it, and hint at it, without actually doing it. Try leaving her underwear on, so that you can lightly slide your fingers, lips or tongue across her without actually making skin contact. Spend some time on her inner thigh, tickle it with your fingers, and brush your hand lightly against her pussy as you rub her skin. You could try putting your mouth against her under- wear and breathing out; the presence and pressure of your mouth and your warm, moist breath against her should make her ungodly horny.
Again, as always, don’t do the same thing every time. Tear her underwear off and start to gorge yourself; split your fingers “live long and prosper” style and firmly massage her thick outer lips with waves of pressure; pull her underwear to the side and lick her briefly, then keep doing what you were doing; or even take the front and back of her underwear in your hands, and (gently!) tug it back and forth, so that it presses against and moves her clit and lips. Mix it up—don’t become predict- able—and read her body language. If she’s arching her back, grabbing you by the hair and moving her body in a desperate attempt to get her pussy onto your mouth, you might want to stop teasing her and get to business. Or smirk at her and say, “Not yet.” It’s up to you.
So here we are. Business. The best thing is that, if you've been doing a good job up to now, there’s not much you can do wrong. Even if she doesn’t come, she'll still remember that as an intensely pleasurable sexual experience. But that’s not all we're after, so, after one final message, let's talk about technique. Here, more than with anything else, her preferences are going to be unique. What feels incredible for one girl might hardly get a response in another. So vary what you do, explore, and don't ever be afraid to ask her if there’s anything she likes or wants. And always remember the importance of variety.
The first couple of minutes, in general, are when you have the most freedom to play around. She's probably quite aroused, but isn’t yet physically on the road to orgasm. So explore her pussy with your tongue and hands. A good way to start is with one long, soft lick from her hole all the way up to, and past, her clit. Try slowly smearing your tongue against her inner lips in a side to side motion—they can be very sensitive for some girls. Tongue-fuck her. Open your mouth wide, so that she feels like she’s being covered by it, and bury your tongue inside her. Then stiffen it—as hard as you can make it— and grind it against the walls of her vaginal open- ing. Try to keep as much of your tongue inside her as you can, but press very firmly. Work your tongue in and out of her, changing its shape as you go.
Remember to tease and play with her clit as you do these things, just don’t feel that you have to give it exclusive attention. Try flattening your tongue and licking it with slow, broad strokes. Try making your tongue as pointed as you can and rapidly flicking her clit up and down. Try sliding the underside of your tongue against her—its texture is quite different from the top, and she may like it. Point your tongue and rapidly lick up and down while moving your whole head towards and away from her, thereby varying the pressure on her clit—she'll probably love that if you do it rhythmically. Try putting the
palm or thumb of one hand above her clit and pull- ing back on the skin. This will withdraw the “hood” that covers her clit, and will make your licking feel more intense. Try wrapping your lips around her clit and sucking on it. While you suck, rub it with the top and bottom of your tongue. Again, make sure none of this is too much. Some may love it; some may say it's almost painful. Don’t be afraid to learn.
After a few minutes of this, she should be experi- encing strong physical arousal—you want to start moving her towards orgasm. Something you want to keep in mind when driving for an orgasm is that, just like with us, it takes a relatively steady rhythm. Don’t change up your technique or rhythm every five seconds; After a while it becomes a frustrating distraction, not a turn on. Orgasms can take intense concentration, so help her out. Move into a steadier rhythm—her body language before should have indicated what kind of licking pressure she prefers.
Many girls crave a “full” feeling when they’re being pleasured. If you can lick a girl's clit while you screw her, you probably should be part of a travelling freak show. For the purposes of this feature I'll assume you can't, so this means using your fingers. Unless she really likes it, don’t just jam your fingers inside of her. As with most things, start slow, even though you’re in the late stages. Try taking one finger and, while you keep licking, trace a lazy line from just below her clit, down between her inner lips to her opening, all around it, then back up to her clit. Do
As she gets close to orgasm, she may start to writhe and buck her hips—try not to let your licking or rhythm get interrupted. When she’s quite close to orgasm, force that would have been excessive earlier becomes not only alright, but necessary. Press your tongue hard against her clit, ram your fingers deep inside of her and grind them against her. Quicken your rhythm, and don’t let up—even when she comes. Every girl is different, but their orgasms typically last longer than ours. That first orgasm moan isn’t a sign that she’s finished; it’s a sign that she’s started. Pay attention to how she responds, try to stop at the appropriate time, but as a rule of thumb, keep licking through the orgasm—she’ll usually let you know when she’s finished.
A final word: this guide was written assuming that the girl would be lying prone on her back—the classic relaxed position. But just as you should vary your techniques, you should vary positions, too. This doesn’t even have to mean the position of her whole body—try spreading (or closing) her legs in different ways. But you should also try entirely dif- ferent positions. Try lying on your back and having her “ride” your face, or being on your knees and sucking her of f—she may love the thought of it. Try eating her doggy-style—that way you could even insert your thumb instead of your fingers while still being able to stimulate the ventral surface of her pussy. Use your imagination and have fun. You can’t go wrong.
And, when you’re up near her ears, exhale near them so she can hear it, nuzzle them with your face and murmur in them. You can also murmur filthy things in her ears when you're up there—tell her what you're going to do to her; tell her how much you want to taste her; tell her how sexy she is.
this a few times, then move a little further—dip the tip of your finger inside her, swirl it around, press against the edges of her pussy. Move inside her slowly. Make sure she’s wet! If she’s not, wet your fingers with saliva. If she’s quite tight, start with one finger and move in knuckle by knuckle, alternating insertion with rubbing the outside of her pussy and between her lips. If she’s not so tight, or if she’s relaxing after one finger, use two. With them just inside her, try making them rub against each other while you slowly rotate your wrist.
Eventually you're going to have inserted your fin- gers entirely inside of her. And this is the trickiest part—maintaining the rhythm and pressure of your tongue while simultaneously fingering her. Something to keep in mind is that it’s typically not the “in and out” movement that girls find pleasur- able—instead, it’s pressure and rhythm against the vaginal walls. While you're fingering her with your palm up, curl your fingers slightly, and press them against her anterior wall (inside of her stomach, kind of). This is usually a very pleasurable region to have stroked, and you want to correlate the rhythm of your stroking with the rhythm of your tongue. Try pressing your fingers straight in then applying pressure on the way back; try pressure both ways; try pressure in and none on the way out; try “split- ting” your fingers to apply broader pressure; and try rotating your wrist so you can press against the sides of her vagina as well.
That's what Tim has to say. To hear the ladies’ side of the story, turn to the next
page.
>>
2() FEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
Ch0o6 says:
Despite Peppin’s captivating awareness about the mysterious world of oral sex and his general tone of encouragement to all the men in the world about diving in, his perception of the female anatomy is limited to his own sensory experience of looking and touching over the years. And though I’m sure that has brought him a bounty of information, there’s one underlying assumption that leaves me troubled: the orgasm. Unlike men, there’s no obvious physical sign to tell when a woman has reached orgasm, and sometimes she won't. In fact, some women, despite having volumes of sexual experi- ences, have never actually had an orgasm, and even if she has, she probably doesn’t come every time. Here’s an idea; ask her about it!
Early in his guide, Peppin dismisses the idea that the mind is an important erotic zone, but any woman who's had a sex dream can tell you that it’s possible to come without any sort of penetration, or touching at all. So bear in mind that the mind does indeed play a role, and part of that role, as Peppin says, is attitude; being comfortable with your part- ner and the situation is crucial in order to actually enjoy the experience.
Still, | think it’s fair to say that a woman is more likely to come during oral sex—when it’s all about her— than during intercourse. One of the most impor- tant things
to remember is, don’t rush, and, of course, foreplay is key.
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his says:
| do have one major point of contention: while saliva may
be your lube of choice when you beat off in the solitude
of your own room, it really isn’t that good of a lubrication. You're giving cunnilingus, not trying to sniff out some deeply burred truffle like a well-trained pig: there’s no need to slob- ber all over her vagina. If you're doing things right and if she’s aroused, she'll be wet when you slide your finger(s) into her. Use some strawberry-flavoured Astroglide if you must.
Beyond that, if you think reading this epic overture on cunnilingus is going to provide something different than what you've gleaned off the latest Cosmo while waiting to pay for your groceries, then you're dead wrong. You know why? Because both has the same underlying message: girls like foreplay and, surprisingly, while some girls get off on guys licking the alphabet, some find a nurs- ery rhyme based on the building blocks of the English language to be a complete buzz kill. That is, all girls are different!
No shit, Sherlock.
In fact, the most useful move that you've learned in the past ten minutes reading this feature isn’t some long-lost mystic licking technique, but that you should really pay atten- tion to her body lan- guage and know which moves are enjoyable for her and which aren't. Here’s the deal: if she into you and she feels like having sex with you, then regardless of the variety your cunnilingus techniques, she’s going to have a great time. However, if she doesn’t feel like it, no amount of suave Barry White will save you from the impending disaster.
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FEATURE 4
Are you the type of person who's so chaste that you refuse to walk on virgin } snow? Or are you so twisted you'd cackle with glee as you ate a a semen- filled powdered donut off the ass of Charles Manson? An angel with butter- fly wings and a pixie heart, or a forked-tongue succubus with heroin in your veins? There’s only one way to find out for sure, friends: the Gateway’s annual
world-famous Purity Test.
It’s a simple concept: take the test, tally your score, then check how you did when compared to the miscreants and pansies who populate the Gateway. And if for some reason you're not happy with your score, well, there’s a reason you're on holidays next week, and it certainly isn’t reading.
Getting to know you
Ever lied? (1pt)
To your parents? (2pts) To the cops? (5pts)
To CSIS? (50pts)
On the purity test? (-2pts)
Do you follow the five-second rule? (1pt) The ten-second rule? (2pts) Do you just eat off the floor? (5pts)
Ever told a dirty joke? (1pt)
A dead baby joke? (2pts)
Do you know what you get when you stab a baby with a steak knife? (3pts)
Have you ever been touched by Jesus? (-2pts) Inappropriately? (2pts)
Was “Jesus” actually just some guy on the number 130 bus? (4pts)
What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without bathing? (1 point for every day after 2, to a maxi- mum of 10)
Wear deoderant/cologne/perfume? (-1pt)
Just to hide the fact you haven't bathed? (2pts)
Do you still live at home? (-2pts) In a house with roommates? (1pt) Alone? (2pts)
So very, very alone? (-1pt)
In SUB? (2pts)
In Lister? (3pts)
In a dumpster? (5pts)
Did you cash your prosperity cheque? (1pt) Did you use your prosperity cheque for charity? (-2pts, you do-gooder pansy)
Sloth? (2pts)
Greed? (2pts)
Pride? (2pts)
Envy? (2pts)
Wrath? (2pts)
Lust? (2pts)
Gluttony? (2pts)
Ever kill one person according to each of the seven deadly sins? (500pts)
Or just seen Se7en? (1pt)
Any piercings? (2pts) On the genitals? (5pts) Any tattoos? (2pts)
Of the genitals? (10pts)
Ever gotten in a fight? (2pts)
Did you win? (2pts)
Did you use the phrase, ‘Yeah, but you should see the other guy?” (-2pts)
Have you ever hazed anyone? (2pts) Did you use a broom? (2pts) Did you call it “Dr Broom”? (5pts)
Are the gloves off? (1 pt)
Like, really off? (1pt)
No, like, seriously off? (1pt)
Is it on like Donkey Kong? (2 pts)
Do you gotta fight (UH UH) for your right (UH) to PAAAAAAAAAAR-TY?! (2pts)
Are you content to peacefully protest (uh uh) for your right (uh) to party? (1pt)
Let’s not forget par-tays? (1pt)
Or shindigs, keggers, hootenannies, mixers, raves or box socials? (1pt)
Ever been to a concert? (1pt)
Ever been backstage? (3pts)
Ever been “with” the band? (5pts) Did they go “backstage”? (10pts)
Naughty Schoolgirls and Dirty Schoolboys
Have you ever failed an assignment because of a boyfriend/girlfriend? (2pts)
Failed a class because of them? (4pts)
Failed out of school because of them? (10pts)
Have you ever cheated on an exam? (3pts)
Have you ever lied to get an exam deferred? (2pts)
Have you ever killed a relative to get an exam deferred? (100pts)
Have you ever skipped a class? (1pt)
A week's worth of classes in a row? (3pts) A month? (8pts)
And still passed? (5pts)
Did you ever go to class just to hook up with some one? (3pts)
Did you stop going when it didn’t work out? (5pts)
Ever slept with a TA? (4pts) A professor? (8pts)
A high school teacher, when you were in high school? (10pts)
A high school teacher, when you were in elemen- tary school? (100pts)
Drinking and Diugging
Have you ever drank beer? (1pt) Wine? (1pt)
Hard alcohol? (1pt)
Malt liquor? (2pts) Mouthwash? (5pts)
Have you ever been drunk? (1pt)
Crunk? (2pts)
So drunk you threw up? (3pts)
Into someone’s mouth? (10pts)
Couldn't see? (5pts)
Could see again—Hallelujah?! (50pts)
Ever passed out and woken up on the floor? (2pts) In an unfamiliar bed? (3pts)
In jail? (5pts)
In an unfamiliar bed in jail? (10pts)
When was the first time you got drunk? (1pt for every year before 18, Opts for 18, -1pt for every year after 18, minus an additional -5pts if you’ve never been drunk)
Ever had caffeine? (ipt)
NutraSweet? (-1pt)
Do you smoke cigarettes? (2pts)
Cigars? (2pts)
A pipe? (4pts, because that’s awesome)
Chew tobacco? (2pts)
Are you leading the charge for a campus-wide tobacco ban? (-5pts)
Ever been high? (2pts)
Ever been hooked on a feeling? (ipt) High on believing? (1pt)
How about high on pot? (2pts) Mushrooms? (3pts)
Meth? (5pts)
Ecstacy? (5pts)
Test created by the sexy Gateway staff and volunteers Photo illustrations by: Pete Yee, Aleena Reitsmen, Josh Nault, Ben Begley, Matt Frehner, Nathalie Nadeau, Mike Kendrick, Dana Komperdo, Phil Head, Dominique Leger, Samantha Oler
22 VEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
Acid? (7pts) Crack? (10pts) Heroin? (10pts)
Ever snorted cocaine? (3pts) Off a hooker? (5pts)
Ever used a bong? (3pts)
Ever made a bong? (5pts) Out of a dead cat? (10pts) Out of a live one? (50pts)
Ever done drugs with James Frey? (-5pts, liar) Ever hotboxed a car? (2pts)
A hotel room? (3pts)
A casket? (5pts)
Do you grow/make your own drugs? (5pts)
Do you use University property to do it? (10pts) Do you sell your own drugs? (7pts)
Ever performed sex to get drugs? (3pts)
Did you ask for a refund? (-3pts)
Ever went to class drunk? (2pts) High? (3pts) Are you a prof? (5pts)
Ever smuggled drugs? (2pt) In your ass? (5pts) In a puppy's ass? (10 pts)
Cory, Sery, Sery
Ever had an impure thought? (1pt)
About your friend? (2pts)
Your boss? (3pts)
Your mother/father? (10pts)
U of A President Indira Samarasekera? (3pts)
Ever got a pet name from your significant other? (1pt)
Was it “Snugglebum”? (1pt)
Was it “OHMYFUCKINGGODTHISISTHEBESTSEXI’ VEEVERHAD!”? (3pts)
Ever named your genitals? (3pts)
Ever held hands? (1pt) Kissed? (2pts)
French kiss? (2pts) Heavy petting? (3pts) Dry humping? (3pts)
Ever had sex? (2pts)
Ever done it wrong? (1pt)
When did you lose your virginity? (2pts for every year before 18, Opts for 18, -2pts for every year after, minus an additional 5 points if you’re still a virgin)
How many sexual partners have you had? (1pt/ each)
How many times have you had sex in a 24-hour period? (2pts for each time after one, +5pts for each partner after one)
Ever had sex with someone more than double or less than half your weight/height? (5pts)
Who's the oldest/youngest person you've ever had sex with? (1pt/every year off your age)
Ever needed to use the “Divide by two and add seven rule” to figure out if you could have sex? (5pts)
Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? (5pts/person)
Ever taken someone's virginity? (3pts/deflower- ing)
Let's talk positions: missionary? (Opts, Captain Imagination)
Doggystyle? (2pts)
Cowgirl/Reverse Cowgirl? (2pts)
69? (2pts)
Wheelbarrow? (3pts)
Hydraulic Jackhammer? (5pts)
Rotisserie? (7pts)
The double-clutch half-reversal standing lotus with a 360-degree backflip on orgasm? (25pts) Have you ever given/received (double points if you've both given AND received) ...
A handjob? (2pts) Blowjob? (2pts) Cunnilingus? (2pts) Analingus? (3pts)
Anal Mingus? (10pts) Rusty Gillespie? (10pts) Anal sex? (5pts) Moustache Ride? (3pts) A facial? (5pts) Cleveland Steamer? (5pts) Golden Shower? (5pts) Tony Danza? (10pts) The Spider-man? (10pts) Snowball? (5pts) Chicken Wing? (5pts) Dirty Sanchez? (5pts) Angry Dragon? (10pts)
Have you ever had sex in a car? (2pts) While one of you was driving? (4pts) On acar? (3pts)
While it was moving? (10pts)
In a parking garage? (5pts)
On a boat? (2pts)
In an office? (3pts)
In a plane? (7pts)
On a mat, with a cat? (5pts)
On arug, with a bug? (5pts)
In a classroom (3pts)
During a class? (10pts)
In church? (10pts)
Ever been on To Serve and Protect? (3pts)
Ever been in Campus Crime Beat? (3pts)
Ever been in Council Forum? (-2pts)
Were you the dude that poured shampoo in the koi pond? (5pts, bastard!)
Ever had unprotected sex? (3pts)
Ever gotten an STD? (5pts)
Ever gotten an STD named after you? (10pts) Ever used the fact you got an STD as an oppor- tunity to play a practical joke on your friends? (10pts)
Ever played homosexual chicken? (2pts) Are you undefeated? (5pts)
Have you ever “spread the cheeks”? (10pts) Did you still lose? (-5pts)
Ever get pregnant? (5pts)
Ever got an abortion? (10pts)
Just to lose weight? (50pts, you horrible human being)
Ever cheated on your partner? (2pts per partner cheated on)
Has someone ever cheated on their partner with you? (2pts/person cheating)
Ever cheated with someone who was cheating? (10pts)
Ever screamed the wrong name? (2pts)
Ever screamed your name? (5pts)
Ever heard your neighbours? (2pts) Ever masturbated to your neighbours? (4pts) Ever joined your neighbours? (8pts)
Ever read a romance novel? (1pt) Is more than 50 per cent of your hard drive taken up by pornography? (5 pts)
Ever masturbated? (2pts)
How many times in one 24-hour period? (1pt/ every touching of “it”)
Ever masturbated to porn? (2pts)
To a fake picture of a celebrity? (3pts)
To a fake picture you made of one of your friends? (10pts)
Playboy? (2pts)
Victoria’s Secret catalogue? (2pts)
Sears Catalogue? (5pts)
Toys “R” Us Catalogue? (-5pts)
Ever gone and fucked yourself? (10pts, but only if you send a detailed “How-to” guide to managing @gateway.ualberta.ca)
Ever used a sex toy? (2pts)
Ever eaten food off of someone's body? (2pts) Ever inserted food into someone's body? (5pts)
he '
—
Did you eat it afterwards? (7pts) Did you make someone else eat it? (15pts) Unknowingly? (100pts)
Ever used lube? (2pts) Vaseline? (3pts) Mayonnaise? (5pts) Peanut butter? (8pts) Chunky? (10pts)
Ever had sex with an animal? (10pts) Did you eat it after? (50pts)
Crimes and Miedemeanoure
Ever committed a crime? (3pts)
Against humanity? (50pts)
Ever got a ticket? (2pts)
Ever been arrested? (3pts)
Ever spent the night in jail? (Spts, plus 1pt for each additional night thereafter to a maximum of 15 pts)
Did you drop the soap? (5pts)
On purpose? (20pts)
Ever stolen candy from a baby? (1pt) Nose candy from a baby? (5pts) Stem cells from a baby? (10pts)
Ever stolen money? (2pts)
Public money? (10pts)
You a Liberal? (-10pts)
Ever played Grand Theft Auto? (1pt)
Ever committed Grand Theft Auto? (5pts)
Were you the inspiration for Grand Theft Auto? (50pts)
Ever driven drunk? (5pts)
High? (5pts)
You still alive? (-5pts, and don’t do it again, fuck- head)
Ever killed anyone? (50pts)
Just to see them die? (500pts)
Did you play their ribcage like a xylophone ... to the tune of Fur Elise ... for the Pope ... on his birthday? (5000pts)
THE GATEWAY « VOWMEXCVI NUMBERS4
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0 to 99 Undiscovered Cuntry
We're surprised you made it through this entire test without having to stop and beg forgiveness from your deity. You're the type of person whose closest encounters with sex come when sitcom characters turn the lights out, and the only high you've ever been on is either from life or cotton candy at the fair. If this is your thing, hey, that’s cool, but nobody ever died from a keg stand and some oral sex. In this category: Jared Milne, Elizabeth Vail, Patrick Ross, Philip Head
99 to 175 Exploiting the Virgin Landscape
A little left of pure. You aren’t exactly off to join the monastic orders, but your weekends are still a healthy mix of debauchery and sensible bedtimes so you can wake up early to study. You're not Shirley Temple or anything, but it probably couldn't hurt you to grab your ankles every once in a while, or at least do a few more drugs that aren’t named Tylenol. Or you could just come to the Gateway and do both. We have Advil. In this category: Chloé Fedio, Matt Frehner, Adam Gaumont, Dan Kaszor, Dana Komperdo
176 to 275 Raping the Environment
A fairly respectable score. You've been around the block, probably to meet your dealer, and you know that if there’s an orifice on your body, something's going to get stuck into it eventually. Pretty much keep your ship pointed West and you'll be okay, though don’t forget that we are here to learn, not to drink highballs off someone's ass and get to know the STD clinic nurses by name. In this category: Jake Troughton, Mike Larocque, Steve Smith, Patrick Cziolek, Tyson Kaban, Iris Tse, David Berry, Chris O'Leary
276+ On a Mission from Hell’s Kitchen
Give our regards to the Dark Lord, you despicable fuck. The phrase “fucking the dog” isn’t meant to be taken literally, and it certainly doesn’t include licking LSD off of its dead body when you're finished with the poor thing. We'd tell you to ease off, but by this point, it’s probably too late. Might as well just sit back and enjoy the view. And stay the hell away from reasonable society. In this category: Lisa Lunn, Tim Peppin, James Storrie
2A FEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2006
I'll be honest with you; your sex education so far has been utterly useless.
That's right, I’m talking about that pathetic sex ed class that you sat through in high school, learn- ing about hormones, puberty, secondary sex characteristics and STDs, all via some plasticine model with removable parts. And how are those grainy ’70s videos about procreation in the animal kingdom supposed to be educational? How are students supposed to learn about sex if they can barely stay awake to doodle abstract penises in the textbooks? However, aside from being soporific, sex education included in school curriculum is also useless, since it only focuses on events that lead up to sex and nothing beyond—or if you went to a Catholic school like me, sex ed was non-existent, as ignorance will, of course, lead to abstinence.
So, with school failing, maybe you tried to supple- ment your tragically lacking sex ed with super- market glossies. Fat load of good that did! While these magazines offer tutorials on such titillating topics as, “How to please your man in 108 ways!” or, “You'll need a fire hose to cool down the bed,” like your high-school teacher, they too failed you. Notice how they also aren't very forthright with what to do after the sex.
But there is more. There are still questions that evaded the attention of both your high school teacher and editors of Cosmo, questions that you shouldn't have to find out on your own.
Questions such as: the condom broke, now what?
Well, this can have a various ending depending on your luck. You might be infected with chla- mydia, which, though it sounds awful, is easily treatable. Worst-case scenario would be AIDS, which is manageable through lifetime antiviral medication, though the chances of you contract- ing tuberculosis will significantly increase. Or this could be an empty scare that nonetheless wakes you up in the middle of the night in cold sweat as you realize how 18 years of child support will thoroughly massacre your dating potential and purchasing power.
While there’s little to do if you have indeed contracted a terminal disease such as AIDS, there is still plenty of damage control avail- able for the other scenarios. And even if you are the latest victim of the city-wide syphilis epidemic, you’re not as hopeless as you might think—though the syph will definitely drain your dating potential, albeit temporarily.
Presumably the condom was in there in the first place to prevent two things: pregnancy and STDs.
The fact that you're freaking out in the middle of the night
nervously googling “condom broke” while your girlfriend/boyfriend sobs into his/her pillow in the background means that you're ready for neither. Therefore those two remain your major concerns.
First 72 hours
Hey, depending on the circumstances, you might not have to worry about the pregnancy part. Maybe she’s already on the pill. Maybe you're “sponge worthy.” Maybe you remember to use a new condom every time you have sex. But if nei- ther of you are blessed with such foresight, the easiest and most obvious way to avoid unwanted pregnancy once the condom breaks is the emer- gency contraceptive pill (ECP), better known as the morning-after pill.
ECPs are more accessible than ever, as they're now available in Alberta without a prescription. Still, while all pharmacists are authorized to dispense ECPs without prescription, not all of them are obli- gated to, and some won't.
“Timely access to an ECP is important to ensure effectiveness. So you don’t want to be in the position of going from pharmacy to pharmacy to pharmacy, being told that they won't do that,” said Judy Hancock, a health education coordinator with the University Health Centre.
If you're astudent, Hancock said that the University Health Centre pharmacy in the bookstore will be willing to dispense ECPs. And if you're not, or the health centre pharmacy is closed, emergency rooms are your next best option. While some types of birth control pills can act as an emergency con- traceptive when taken at elevated doses, it’s best to consult your physician before you blindly swal- low a handful of your normal prescription. Not all pills work that way, and if done incorrectly, the stick will still turn blue by the end of the month.
To avoid snap judgments made during post-coital panic and embarrassing smackdowns from reluc- tant pharmacists, Hancock also suggests that ECPs can be purchased ahead of time as backup.
“You want to take it as soon as possible, and that’s why we recommend that you get it and have it on hand now that you don’t need a prescription. Just get a pack and keep it in the medicine chest. And if the condom breaks, you can take it right away,” said Hancock.
VI BRO
While ECPs have traditionally been referred to as “the morning-after pill,” it doesn’t necessar- ily have to be taken the morning after. But it should be taken as early as possible within 72 hours, as it works by preventing ovulation.
Emergency contraception is also available beyond the ultra-convenient pill form. IUDs, or intrauterine devices, can be inserted up to five days after unprotected intercourse to prevent pregnancy, too. These are different from ECPs, however, as they work not by preventing ovu- lation, but implantation.
"The IUD is a whole lot more complicated, and you're much better to have ECP, on hand and use it as soon as the condom breaks,” said Hancock. “The difficulty is that a lot of doc- tors don’t insert IUDs. It’s something that you have to do a lot to get good at, so you probably would be looking for a gynecologist, and even then, the gynecologist may not do it.”
Some women may think that emergency con- traception is redundant, especially if they're already on oral contraceptives or some other form of birth control. But Hancock suggests that they should still consider ECPs as an addi- tional layer of precaution.
“There have been studies that indicated that even amongst women who think they’ve take their pills exactly right, they actually don’t. What they did was they put a computer chip in the pill package that measures when the women take their pill,” said Hancock. “If you're a perfect pill user, then you probably won't need an ECP, but even people who say they’re perfect pill users frequently are not.”
So there you have it. You tracked down a will- ing pharmacist, you followed the instructions carefully, you got your girlfriend/boyfriend to stop crying and both of you dealt with the pregnancy part. So is this is? No. No emergency contraceptive can prevent sexually transmitted infections. So, as Janeane Garofalo beckoned in Reality Bites, “The free clinic AIDS test: the rite of passage for our generation. We're so lucky. C'mon!”
THE GATEWAY « VOWMEXCVI NUMBERS4
FEATURE 25
After 72 hours
Some people might wait until the telltale burning pain and itchiness around the genitals before they haul ass to the nearest STD clinic. But why wait? You should be tested for STDs about 72 hours after the condom breaks. The three-day waiting period is because it takes that long for the infection, if any, to incubate and buildup to a measurable level that can be picked up by the diagnostic tests.
"We require 72 hours past exposure in order for you to be tested, and that’s for gonorrhea and chlamydia,” said Jennifer Gratrix, an STD Program Coordinator with Capital Health. “If the test results come back positive after a week, we can treat you with antibiotics, so that’s easy.”
However, even if your test comes back clean, it still doesn’t mean you're clear to buy the next attractive person atthe bar a rum and coke. Many diseases are asymptomatic or have asymptomatic phases, and people who don't know they’re infected are not likely to seek treatment, thus continuing to spread the disease to others. Herpes, especially, has what is called “asymptomatic shedding” where virus par- ticles can still be passed on even if you don’t have asore.
"What happens with STI [sexually transmitted infection] is that it can be broken down to report- able and not reportable. The number one report- able STI would be chlamydia. But then human papiloma virus (HPV), the wart virus, and herpes simplex are not reportable, and probably far out- rank chlamydia,” said Gratrix.
Warts and herpes can only be identified through visual examination and only when the virus enters the symptomatic phase, usually in the form of fluid-filled blisters or cauliflower-like clusters. They can appear within several weeks or several months after contact with an infected partner or they may never appear. Despite the embarrassment and dis- comfort that textbook-like inflamed genitals can bring, you might be better off with the warts and sores showing.
WHAT>
F PATURE BY ing TSE
“Once the warts surface, how ever many months that might take, we can treat it with liquid nitro- gen. And that can take consecutive weekly visits,” explained Gratrix. “The good thing is once you can get rid of the wart, eventually what happens is that your body learns to fight the virus, and may get it down to an undetectable level. So | don’t know if you can say you're ‘cured,’ but your body learns how to handle it,.”
“Sometimes the ones who grow warts are the lucky ones, especially if you're a girl, because the HPV virus is linked to cervical cancer, at least you know you've been exposed to the virus and you can make sure that you're getting annual pap tests to prevent cervical cancer.”
And it goes without saying that one should refrain from any sexual activity while waiting for the results to come back. If you do happen to test positive for any notifiable STDs, you will have to do contact tracing—which is a fancy term for call- ing everybody that you've had sex with and let them know that your sex organ has the same top- ographic profile as Mars. You don’t want to add another name onto that calling list until you're declared disease free.
Of course, most health educators can't help but to remind you that no method of birth control is 100 per cent effective, and that you’re never 100 per cent protected from STDs during sexual intercourse. They suggested that people should plan ahead and consider the next course of action in event of an unplanned pregnancy or at least know which number to dial for confidential STD/HIV inquiries prior to having sex. However, knowing you and the way you prioritize things in your relationship, you're probably more concerned with choosing between the lubricated or the ribbed condoms.
Well, at least now you know what to do when the condom breaks.
Don’t scoff. This happens more often than you think. Approximately two to seven per cent of condoms tear during use, mostly due
to mishandling rather than manufacturering error. While a vengeful roommate expressing
her dislike towards your loud sex sessions may be one of the reasons why your condom was riddled with holes, there are still many ways the condom can break during sex.
e Do not use latex condoms with baby oil or petroleum jelly. Oil can destroy the condom. Use only water- based lubricants with latex condoms. This means, whatever your fetish may be, no mayonnaise! If a lubricant is needed, use one that is water-soluble instead.
e Like your milk, you don’t want your condom to be past its expiry date, which means that condom that you’ve been keeping in your wallet since high school is useless.
e Though your hands may be understandably busy at the moment, don’t rip open the package with your teeth. Sharp nails are also a hazard. e Remember to leave a half-inch of empty space at the tip of the condom. This air-free space at the end will leave room for the ejaculate, keeping the condom from breaking due to extra pressure.
e For obvious reasons, condoms are more likely to break when you have pierced genitals.
e Using two condoms at the same time is not recommended for either safer sex or pregnancy prevention.
e Double-bagging can increase the friction between the condoms during intercourse, making them more likely to rip or tear. It is also incredibly stupid.
26 FEATURE
Binding Agreement
Who’s to say you can’t have a little fun. Even when you’re all tied up.
cademics weren't the only thing
taught at UBC on 1 February.
Students acquired skills of a
decidedly different sort at “Bond with Friends: You've got the hands, we’ve got the rope,” a “how-to” event about bondage organized by Kink Vancouver: The Next Generation.
Bondage has many stereotypes, but no leather masks, whips, chains, or dungeons made appearances at the event. Instead there was a brightly lit classroom, 30 stu- dents, and lots of rope.
Defined simply as a “sexual practice that involves physically restraining one of the partners,” bondage has gained notoriety in recent years through portrayals in films such as Killing Me Softly and Mr and Mrs Smith. In fact, according to a US study, almost 50 per cent of men find the idea of bondage erotic, and while that number is a bit smaller for women—estimates putting it at around 30 per cent or so—it’s obvious quite a few of us like the idea of a little rope in bed.
Lisa has been attending bondage and kink events in Vancouver for four years. She went
to the workshop as a favour to her room- mate, although she already knew every- thing that was taught.
“Being tied up has always been a fantasy,” she explained.
“Bondage is often used to ensure and enhance feelings of helplessness or power- lessness or having power over someone,” explained Tillie, another participant in the workshop. “And it looks good.”
Tristan, the instructor, echoed Tillie’s state- ment. “It’s about power and beauty,” he explained to the class. “Beauty in the fan- ciful designs and the sight of the bound human body. And power is either giving it up or seeing your partner writhing on the floor. You know which kind you are.”
Of course, one of the biggest aspects of bondage is safety: there are quite a few haz- ards that come with ropes that just aren't around when you're having sex in the mis- sionary position. Tristan, who has taught classes on first aid in addition to bondage, heavily emphasized the mantra “safe, sane, and consensual” or “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and usually spent over half an hour
tuesday, 14 february, 2005
discussing safety at information sessions.
Bondage injuries can range from mildly annoying rope burn to nerve damage that can last for months. Bondage-related fatali- ties are rare, but can happen, although most fatalities occur when a_ person is playing alone, usually by autoerotic asphyxiation.
Tristan stressed that keeping both partners safe is the most important part of bondage. He explained that while discomfort should be part of the experience of being bound, it shouldn't be harmful or damaging.
“Before you even begin to tie, you should take stock of how the person looks and feels,” he said, noting that the colour, tone, and temperature of the skin will differ from person to person, but can be an indicator of damage to limbs. He also pointed out that one of the major rules of bondage is “keep the rope away from the throat.”
More common than asphyxiation, though, are circulation problems, resulting mostly from where you place your knots. Apart from the neck, bondage enthusiasts must be careful not to compress the femoral
THE GATEWAY + VOWMEXCV NUMBER1
FEATURE 97
artery—running from your leg through to your groin—which can be fatal.
The other area of most concern is your wrists, which can suffer nerve damage that may last for months.
“The wrists are the most typical bondage- related injury,” said Tristan. “As a general rule, though, if you can see light between skin and the rope, blood can get through.”
Besides the rope, bondage tools are surpris- ingly utilitarian: in fact, most that Tristan use were bought from fishing or hardware stores, not fetish shops. Tristan’s tool kit includes scissors—"never cheap out on your safety scissors”—a one-sided knife with a blunt tip, and a Swedish fid, a tool used to work out knots.
And, of course, there is the rope. Although Tristan is partial to hemp rope—it smells good and is unlikely to burn your skin—he said that you can use pretty much anything you want, although thread, razor wire and bungy cords are definitely out.
Once you've got your tools, the rest isn’t as difficult as you might think. Over 90 per cent
4
of bondage uses the same two knots, even for the most intricate designs: the lark’s head, or cow hitch, which works as a hook, tying arm to arm, leg to arm, or leg to post, and the reef knot, or the even easier granny knot, which hold the rope in place. The rest is just practice.
Atthe session, Tristan demonstrated a simple wrist cuff and a more ornate body harness for the class before leaving participants to practice on each other. A few of the more experienced participants helped the novices with the knots.
And though the workshop was targeted at beginners looking to improve their skills in rope bondage, several of the participants got a lot more than just a few rope tips.
“| got some fun, easy, basic ties and confi- dence. Now | can’t wait to tie my friends up this weekend,” said Tillie.
“| got a few new techniques out of it, and some interesting information about the physiological and biological safety issues involved in playing with bondage,” agreed Bridgette, another participant. “And | met some cool new people.”
Feature by Carolynne Burkholder (The Ubyssey)
Tetuninology
BSDM: acronym for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism Bottom: the “receiver” in bondage, usually the submissive, but not always
Dominant: person who enjoys controlling a submissive person
Dungeon: any space set aside for scene activities
Dungeon monitor: someone trained in BDSM safety who ensures safe and responsible play in the dungeon
Hog-tie: securing each wrist to the corresponding ankle behind the back Rigging: the act of tying someone else primarily for artistic purposes
Safeword: a word or action for the bottom to indicate distress and a wish to abort Submissive: person who enjoys submitting to the will of another
Top: the “giver” in bondage, usually the dominant, but not always
Vincilagnia: being sexually aroused by bondage
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23 FEATURE
tuesday, 14 february, 2005
And maybe, just maybe, it’s worth the wait
JJ McCullough, a fourth-year student at Simon Fraser University, is a virgin. This does not bother him, but it does concern some of his peers.
“There is a stigma for sure,” the 21-year- old said. “It’s like a problem to be solved. ‘It’s the poor guy who’s a virgin, we need to get him some help—somehow find a way to fix it.”
Despite his friends clamouring to fix his love life, McCullough knows he is not alone in his decision.
In fact, a growing contigent of students are waiting to have sex whether it’s—until they are married, until they have met the right partner, or until they feel ready. A full 20 per cent of 20 to 24-year-olds have not had sexual intercourse according to Statistics Canada—and this number is increasing.
Why wait?
People choose to have sex for a variety of reasons, from Madonna’s “I saw losing my virginity as a career move” to Christina Aguilera’s “All this do-not-touch nonsense is not me, I’m all for female sexuality and taking the sexual power away from the guys” to a pact with friends American Pie- style: “And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid!”
The decision to wait also has many moti- vations. Often religious beliefs are a factor, but not always.
Jenny Daigle falls into the former category. Daigle, 23, is in her third year of a kine- siology and education degree at the U of A. She decided to remain abstinent until marriage when she was in high school.
“Tt has everything to do with my conver- sion, my faith,” she said. “I did a lot of research, and found out why I wanted to be Catholic and why these rules are there and why they promote chastity.”
Chastity is a state of sexual purity of the mind and of the body endorsed by the Catholic church. According to doctrine, sex should only take place in the context of marriage.
“A sexual relationship is an expression
Feature by Carolynne Burkholder (CUP, The Ubyssey)
of love and should be expressed within a married relationship,” explained Daigle. “Tt’s one of the ultimate forms of love and you should share it with someone you're completely committed to.”
“When I marry someone I’m going to love them the most and I don’t want to share that with anyone else.”
Peter Bagnall, a graduate student in divinity at the University of St Michael’s College, said his decision to remain abstinent was triggered by a specific inci- dent—a class discussion in high school. When he and his classmates were asked “Do you want to marry a virgin?” most answered favourably. But the follow- up question, “Would you have sex with someone you love before you are mar- ried?” also got many positive responses.
“I noticed that there was an intrinsic inequality in answering yes to both ques- tions,” said Bagnall, 23. “If I responded in this fashion it would set a double standard for my future wife and myself. It would, in effect, be saying that it’s okay for me to have sex before marriage, but not for my future wife.”
Recognising this inconsistency and iden- tifying what he is looking for in a wife, Bagnall made “a very difficult commit- ment” to wait until marriage to have sex.
But some students aren’t waiting for a spe- cific occasion to have sex. The decision for McCullough had nothing to do with reli- gion or marriage.
“T think it’s a sensible, logical thing to do at this age,” said McCullough. “T feel like I’m still in the maturing process: learn- ing about myself, about life, and about sexuality.”
“I’m not confident enough to think I can handle it all and make this decision,” he continued. “In our generation, there is so much pressure to act like adults.”
Sexual history
Although the decision to have sex—or not—is a very personal one, there are societal factors that influence sexual and marital trends.
Nathanael Lauster, an assistant professor in social work and family studies at UBC,
researches the connection between sex and marriage. Specifically he studies the cultural script linking private sexuality to the public statuses of parenthood and marriage.
According to Lauster, the Victorian age was an era known for its strict, prudish, and at times hypocritical moral code— even saying “leg” in mixed company was deemed improper. However, although sex was entirely relegated to marriage by social tradition, even Queen Victoria alleg- edly had an extramarital marital affair.
The phrase “close your eyes and think of England’—advice given to married Victorian women on how to deal with their husbands’ amorous overtures—epit- omised the idea of sexuality during the era.
“People who were married and with chil- dren had controlled sex lives,” explained Lauster of the Victorian tradition. “People who were unmarried and without chil- dren were also considered to be without sex lives.”
But those who were married without chil- dren—having sex for non-procreative pur- poses—and the ones who never married but had children challenged the Victorian social standard.
“Being in a marginal category, either being married without children or unmarried with children, meant wearing something akin to a ‘scarlet letter’ identifying oneself as rebelling against the Victorian sexual script,” explained Lauster. “In effect, these revolutionaries made sex public by strip- ping it away from the statuses of marriage and parenthood.”
This change in societal perceptions of sex and marriage still affect people’s behav- iour today.
More recently there have been two major sexual revolutions in North America; the first occurred before World War II, where people were married without having children—effectively splitting the bond between sex and procreation.
The second sexual revolution is the well- known hippie “make love not war” era of 1960s and ’70s. “The process of sexual revolution started up again, with rises in both non-procreative sexual activity and non-marital sexual activity,” said Lauster.
THE GATEWAY « VOUMEXCV NUMBER34
The trend of non-martial and non-procre- ative sex has continued today—with the requisite fumblings of losing your virgin- ity commonly viewed as a rite-of-passage for teenagers.
But the decrease in reported sexual activi- ties among young adults could be a sign this is changing.
Under pressure
Being a virgin, surrounded by the hyper- sexualized culture that is university, is a challenge. McCullough said he finds it hard to be accepted in a culture that places such a high value on sexual activity.
“Virginity used to be a sign of supreme character. It showed that you were self-dis- ciplined and a morally outstanding sort of person,” he said. “Now it’s the opposite .. it's something that is wrong with you, some kind of character failing, something to be pitied, something you haven’t done right.”
As a non-religious person who isn’t sexu- ally active, McCullough is part of an even smaller minority, something he feels is not properly understood.
“If you make this decision, people assume there has to be a religious reason,” said McCullough. “When people talk about religion, they see it as fundamentally irra- tional. If you’re a virgin, people assume that there is something irrational about you or your decision to be a virgin must be a symptom of irrational logic.
“They try to prescribe irrational moti- vations to something they think is an irrational decision in the first place,” he explained.
Many of Bagnall’s friends would agree that this decision is irrational, sparking many debates.
“T have had many discussions and debates with friends about living together before marriage,” he said, pointing to the common quip: Would you buy a car with- out test-driving it first?
“IIf] living together means sleeping together to test the waters for marriage, I don’t think my marriage needs these waters tested,” said Bagnall.
But Daigle said she doesn’t feel pressure to have sex from her friends—even those who are sexually active.
“T have friends who are very promiscuous and they talk about it all the time; [my decision] is unbelievable to them, but they are very respectful of it,” she said.
Although Daigle’s friends respect her deci- sion, it has been a challenge for men she dated, some of whom were sexually active in past relationships.
“We had to have lots of discussions about it,” she said of one former boyfriend. “And he was like, ‘Well, I love you, but I don’t
29
understand why we can't [have sex]. Daigle said she was careful to set bound- aries beforehand. “The first night that we were together, I said, ‘This is the way it is, this is what I do and what I don’t do,” she said. “He said, ‘I wouldn’t have expected any less.”
But even with his support, the decision was difficult for Daigle.
“Tt’s hard because we weren't making choices together, because it’s always me saying “This is how I’m going to express my love for you,” she added. “To find someone who is respect- ful of that is amazing.”
this commitment I made to myself, I needed more than a ‘don’t do it’ strategy. I needed to change the way I dated and change the way I treated my relationships with the opposite sex,” he said. “I gradu- ally extended my commitment to be not merely refraining from sex, but practicing a whole lifestyle of chastity.
“I’ve decided that I won’t date a girl unless there is a possibility of marriage,” Bagnall explained. “Also, I have commit- ted myself to stay away from any physical involvement that is pleasure-centric ... I avoid actions that are intended to arouse me and strengthen my desire for sex.”
If you make this decision, people assume there has to be a religious reason. When people talk about religion, they see it as fundamentally irrational. If you’re a virgin, people assume that there is something irrational about you or your decision to be a virgin must be a symptom of
irrational logic.
The influence of hormones, sex drive, and curiosity—no different from their peers—make abstinence even harder.
Bagnall continues to struggle with his choice, though he said it is getting easier. Until recently, his abstinence pledge took a strictly restrictive form of “just don’t do it.” But after a few tempting situations, he changed his tactics.
‘T realised that if I was serious about
-JJ McCullough
Despite the struggles, to Bagnall, his future will be worth it. “The one over- riding reason that I practice chastity is simple: love for my future wife,” he said. “I know that when I meet a girl and we decide that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, I will be able to say to her: ‘I loved you before I met you. I was faithful to you before I even knew you. And it was difficult—sometimes it was very difficult—but you were totally worth it.”
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IF HE SHOT HERE, HE PROBABLY DIDN’T MISS Bears’ forward Scott Gordon shot 13-15 on Friday.
LEANNEBROWN
Hoop Bears let sweep slip away
PAUL OWEN Sports Staff
With Gavin Fedorak, Dean Whalen, James Hudson and the injured Phil Sudol in their final home games this weekend, the Golden Bears did what they have done best this season: play to a weekend split, in this case with the Lethbridge Pronghorns.
The Bears followed a Friday night win with a Saturday night loss for the sixth time this season, beating Lethbridge 78—66 in the first game before falling 68-67 in the second. Friday night’s win guaranteed that the Bears would host a home playoff series this coming weekend, when they will face the Calgary Dinos.
“We don’t like going out and losing in our home gym. I think we'll have the momen- tum playing at home, and it’s just a matter of us capitalizing on that momentum,” said fifth- year guard Dean Whalen, who was honoured with the other graduating players in a pre-game ceremony.
Whalen—the Bears’ leading scorer, who was suffering from food poisoning on Saturday— had an off night, but drilled a long jumper with 1.7 seconds left and Alberta down three that appeared to have tied the game. The shot was immediately ruled a two-pointer, however, as the shooting guard’s foot was just on the line, giving the Pronghorns a one-point victory.
“T think they were in a zone, so the play broke down. I had to come and get the ball and just try to get something off” said Whalen. “I guess my foot was on the line a bit, but I looked at the clock and saw immediately that it was a two, but everyone was so excited and caught up in the emotions; we got the short end of the stick.”
The Horns made up a 13-point second-half def- icit with ten minutes remaining and left a usually verbose Don Horwood at a loss for words.
“Terrible,” was all that was said by the Bears’ head coach when asked about the game.
Picking up the slack for Whalen on offence was Scott Gordon, who led the Bears with 20 points on Saturday after a career-high 30 on Friday night, on a spectacular 13-15 from the field.
“That's what I have to do, I have to bring excitement. Sparkplug, baby!”
ANDREW PARKER BEARS GUARD
Friday saw the Bears forge another double- digit second-half lead, but they were able to hold on, never letting Lethbridge get closer than ten for the rest of the game. Andrew Parker finally showed the fans what he had displayed in warm- ups all season long, elevating for an alley-oop on a backdoor play and then elevating again the very next time down court, recovering after a bad pass to throw in a spectacular reverse lay-in.
“T haven't played one good home game yet, and I wanted to give them some slam dunks and make people happy again. That’s what I have to do, I have to bring excitement. Sparkplug, baby!” said the enigmatic third-year guard.
With the win, the Bears will host their first play- off series since the 2003/04 season. The clinching left Horwood relieved and yet concerned over his team’s inconsistent and poor play.
“Tm happy we got the win, and I’m happy we clinched our spot, but we still aren’t playing the way we have to play to beat the good teams,” he said. “The bottom line is too many mistakes: too many turnovers, bad decisions, guys are hyper, and instead of executing and running our offence, they're out of control and trying to go one-on-one all the time. Our team’s at that point where we can't dominate anybody; we've just got to grind it out.”
31
sports@gateway.ualberta.ca + tuesday, 14 february, 2006
: : PETE YEE STEPPING INTO TOMORROW Michelle Smith (right) and the Pandas have made the post-season.
Shewchuk leads Pandas to win
CHRIS O'LEARY Sports Editor
With their last home stand of the season, the Pandas basketball team gave two packed houses a glimpse of the team at both their best and their worst. The team is hoping that it’s their Saturday- night version that makes its way into the post- season.
The Pandas opened their series against the Lethbridge Pronghorns with perhaps their worst first-half performance of the season on Friday, as they were completely incapable of keeping up with the red-hot Pronghorns. The Pandas could only come up with 19 points in 20 minutes of play, finding themselves staring up at a 40-19 deficit at the break.
Although they played closer to their potential in the second half; the Pandas’ comeback attempt fell short, as the "Horns outlasted the Pandas 58-53 behind the hot-handed shooting of third-year for- ward Jessica Lynch and her game-high 22 points.
The Pandas were led by a phenomenal second- half performance from second-year forward Kristin Jarock, who was good for 17 points and a game-high 16 rebounds, ten of which came off the offensive glass. Jarock’s effort was too little, too late for Pandas head coach Trix Baker, who was stunned by her team’s first-half play.
“(Jarock] played great in the second half, but that’s not good enough for me. I’m so disap- pointed in the first half: It’s just a team not show- ing up to play.”
With their first-half drubbing on Friday still fresh in their minds, the Pandas came out and took charge for the game’s full 40 minutes on Saturday night. Departing senior Christine Shewchuk fittingly led the Pandas with 17 points as part of the Pandas’ 72-41 win. Shewchuk was honoured after the game by the Pandas, as she puts the wraps on a career that, though ham- pered by injuries, should still place her as one of the program’s all-time great players.
“What can I say about her? She's had a huge impact on our program,” an emotional Baker told the crowd in the ceremony. “She was the U of A’s Rookie of the Year in her first year and in her second and third years she was a CIS All-Canadian. She’s a great role model for some of these young pups out here that need it and she’s doing every- thing that she can to take us into the playoffs and hopefully to a national championship.”
Shewchuk said that her recent strong play has brightened what's been an overall disappointing season for the 6’1” forward.
“T thought I'd be healthy this year,” she said. That’s mainly my biggest disappointment as much as anything because I haven't been able to play the way I wanted to. This weekend I played more like I can, and I wish I could have done that all year, but I was so far from that with my body. It was disappointing, but there was noth- ing I could do about it.”
Shewchuk is optimistic that her recent strong play will be enough to spearhead the Pandas into a lengthy post-season run—a run that starts this weekend on the road in Calgary.
“We're starting to finally click. Everyone is doing probably two hours extra spot-shooting. I know how committed they are. It’s kind of late, but hopefully it will get us to nationals.”
CORRECTION
Inissue 33 of the Gateway, we ranapreviewofthe Varsity track and field team’s High-Performance meet. In the article, the pentathlon event was mistakenly described as consisting of shoot- ing, fencing, swimming, riding and running. This error was the fault of me, Chris O'Leary, the sports editor at the Gateway, who destroyed Paul’s article. | apologize to P-Ow and the entire track and field program. It was foolish to think we'd have people shooting guns in the Butterdome.
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Students will vote on the following non-binding plebiscite questions on the ballot in the March 8 and 9 Students’ Union Election:
Do you support the establishment of a non-instruc- tional fee, levied by the University of Alberta, subject to the following conditions?
1. The fee would be dedicated to the construction of a new Physical Activity Complex (PAC) as well as concurrent upgrades to the Van Vliet Physical Education and Recreation Centre.
2. The fee would be assessed to each undergraduate student at
a) $20.00 per Fall or Winter term;
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* Fitness and Lifestyle Centre would contain fitness equipment including cardiovascular equipment, free weights, and resistance training machines.
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2. A ban on the use of all tobacco products in any University-owned or leased building or on University property, except property surrounding residences, effective July 1, 2006
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If you would like to register as part of the YES or NO campaign for either of these plebiscite
Pro student-athlete in no Rush to graduate
ROSS PRUSAKOWSKI Sports Staff
With the costs of a university degree increasing as much as the demands for a student’s time in and outside of the classroom, it’s hardly surpris- ing that more and more students are taking on jobs during the aca- demic year. However, while most students’ part-time job options are limited to near-minimum-wage service-industry jobs, one University of Alberta student has found a unique way to pay his tuition.
Thanks to the National Lacrosse League’s expansion into Edmonton this season, Jimmy Quinlan has been given the chance to pursue his dream of being a professional athlete while getting an education. However, while getting paid to play the sport you love might sound terrific, according to the Edmonton Rush forward and Education major, trying to strike a balance between school and sport can be difficult.
“You just have to try and have a schedule and try to maintain it, but it’s frustrating on the weekends to try and sit down after we play and then do homework,” the third-year stu- dent says. Quinlan, who already has a diploma in radio broadcasting from NAIT, will embark on his education practicum next fall, before the Rush’s 2006/07 season kicks off.
“You kind of have to sit down and work through [your classes], just to get them done. I've lightened my course load this semester to accommodate playing, but the professors I have at the University are awesome. As long as I let them know what's going on, they've been happy to work with me so I can get through school and play lacrosse at the same time.”
With the modest salaries that exist in the NLL, it’s the ability to play lacrosse at its highest possible level while securing a future outside of lacrosse that has kept Quinlan jug- gling academics and sport. So far, the balance is working out well for
=
ALEENA REITSMA
BIGLEAGUE Jimmy Quinlan studies by day and plays lacrosse by night.
him, as he currently leads the Rush in total points. Of course, Quinlan’s not the only player with a U of A connection in the Rush’s lineup in its inaugural season, as he’s joined U of A alumni and team assistant captain Jamey Bowen and current students Greg Whitenect and Jon Maresse.
As difficult as this season has been for the winless Rush, it’s likely been a little bit tougher for the Edmonton- born Quinlan, who spent last season
The Holy Body Tattoo Running Wild
standing atop the lacrosse world by helping the Toronto Rock to the NLL title. However, the move from first to worst is something that Quinlan has taken in stride, saying he’s just happy to be back home and able to continue his studies.
“Tve been living out ofa suitcase for the last few years, and having been in Toronto last year, I had to put my stud- ies on hold. Being back in Edmonton is nice, because I’m still able to move forward there and with my lacrosse.”
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THE GATEWAY ¢ volume XCVI number 34
SPORTS 33
\
PETE YEE
NUMBER ONE COMPETITOR Pandas floor-general Ashley Wigg runs the show for the seventh-ranked team in CIS.
Wigg one of the Pandas key components for playoffs
CHRIS O'LEARY Sports Editor
For most who claim to be die-hard basketball fans, when it comes to the women’s game, their loyalties tend to head south. The average/unedu- cated fan slights the women’s game, saying that it’s too slow and too low- scoring to make it enjoyable.
She may not be on a mission to do so, but over the last two seasons, Pandas point guard Ashley Wigg has helped to destroy the stereotype that, in the case of the Pandas basketball team, unfairly hangs over them.
In the 29.5 minutes that she’s aver- aged this year, the 5’S” sparkplug is the catalyst behind the Pandas up-tempo offence. Her numbers (6.8 points, 4.5 assists and three steals per game this season) are dwarfed by her contributions to the team, as those close to her atttest.
“You have to do so much less out there because she can get so much done on her own. She’s one of the best point guards I’ve played with,” says senior Panda Christine Shewchuk.
Considering Shewchuk’s exten- sive basketball resumé, not just in CIS, but also in her experience with the national team program, she puts Wigg in some elite company. The two-time CIS All-Canadian says that Wigg’s court vision sets her apart from other point guards across the country. It was Wigg’s court vision, love of a fast-paced offence and her unique ability to thread the needle that sold Baker on the Calgary prod- uct when she saw her first play in a high school all-star game, back in the spring of 2004.
“She can put the ball on the money to people,” Baker says of the Lester B Pearson High School product. “She’s a great passer, she’s great for team morale and she makes the people around her better. She’s one of my favourite players.”
What a difference a season makes. While Wigg started as a first-year player, logging serious minutes and taking the reigns on the court as the team’s leader as a rookie last season, she and Baker’s relationship was tumultuous, to say the least, as they both clashed on occasion.
“She was a bit of a rebel last year, and I think that was her trademark,” Baker explains. “We had some clashes off the court, even more than on. I think she was just young, very inexperienced and she didn’t real- ize that some of the things she was doing, while they weren’t really hurt- ing anybody, they were hurting our relationship, because she was testing the boundaries all of the time.
“T had a lot of trouble last year just dealing with her when she was get- ting down on herself: [Pandas’ assis- tant coach Kathy Butlin] did a lot of it, she could relate to her better. I just wanted to shake her and say, ‘Come on!’ This year, I've had to pay more attention to it, because Kathy doesn’t travel with us on the road,” adds Baker. “[Wigg is] a great kid. She loves to talk and she loves to goof around. She gives everyone on the team about 25 nicknames; she'll get the announcer to say X-tina Shewchuck [during Saturday night's game].”
“Tt’s not so much that we didn’t get along,” Wigg offers. “There were a lot of problems within the team last year and a lot of times it got [linked] back to the coach. It wasn't necessarily her fault. This year, everyone's getting along better. Coach has been working on things like giving us more feed- back and communicating with us better and that’s really helped us.”
Baker agrees that her relationship with Wigg has grown this season and that the two are seeing more things eye-to-eye.
“She’s more mature and we've more comfortable with each other,” the 14-year coaching vet says. “Ashley just has to be less of a rebel,
or be a rebel in a way that doesn’t affect anyone else.”
More than a rebellious streak, it’s the energy she brings to the team that has Baker excited about the Pandas’ potential over the next three seasons.
“She’s very, very competitive. She’s also very explosive and emotional,” Baker says. “She’s got to learn to play on more of an even keel. When things are going great, she’s going great. When she makes a couple of mistakes, she takes it hard and she gets a little too emotional about it. We just need to contain that a bit.”
Wigg has stressed her concern over her high turnover rate through- out her short Pandas career. She wants to curb the problem without changing her style of play.
“(Turnovers are] a focus. I don’t look at the assist-to-turnover ratio; I try to focus on a steal-to-turnover ratio. It’s getting better. I know it’s a problem of mine. If I can make it up on defence, I’m okay. It’s some- thing that bothers me, but turnovers are something that happen when you take chances. If you don’t take chances you don't get those momen- tum shifts,” she says.
Shewchuk says that everything Wigg went through in her first year with the Pandas’ program will only make her that much better over the next three seasons.
“She has four years to improve,” says Shewchuk. “She gets down on herself, and once she gets over that, it'll come, and when she does there'll be no lapses in her play. She'll be an all-Canadian for sure.”
Baker says that, all-Canadian or not, Wigg already stands out.
“T keep telling the kids that all those years when Victoria won nationals and when we won it, we did it without all-Canadians—it’s about the team. [Wigg] will hope- fully get some recognition, but she’s going to be a great player—she already is a great player.”
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Humber offers the only Paralegal Studies degree program in Canada, combining a comprehensive understanding of legal principles with specific law-related skills for an education that’s valued by major paralegal firms, law firms and federal and provincial governments. Think of yourself as a court agent, provincial offences prosecutor, immigration counsel or legal researcher
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in the right seat.
Call 416-675-6622, ext. 3336 or email bernard.aron@humber.ca, for further
~ information. Apply for all Business School programs at www.ontariocolleges.ca
() HUMBER
www.business.humber.ca The Business School
SCHOOL’S OUT MEXICAN GETAWAY-PUERTO VALLARTA!
Holiday Inn 4 star, beachfront April 29-May 4th
$1299
Based on a quad share
Book and pay in full by Feb. 27/06 and get $100 off!
Edmonton return departures. Valid for new bookings only on date shown. More information is available from a travel agent. Prices subject to change at any time without notice. Taxes and surcharges not included.
Travel CUTS is owned and operated by the Canadian Federation of Students.
2a TRAVEL CUTS
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Students’ Union Building UofA
492-2592 www.travelcuts.com
NEED A BREAK FROM THIS SEAT?
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GOLDEN BEARS & PANDAS SPORTS YOUR UNIVERSITY YOUR TEAMS
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U of A Playoff Action This Weekend Bears Basketball vs Calgary «Fri. & Sat. 8:30pm, Sun. 3pm (if nec.) * Main Gym Pandas Volleyball vs Calgary « Fri. & Sat. 6:30pm, Sun. ‘pm [if nec.) * Main Gym Pandas Hockey vs Lethbridge « Fri. 7pm, Sat. 2pm, Sun. 2pm [if nec.] * Clare Drake
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UBC Diploma in Accounting Program
If you are a university graduate seeking a professional accounting
designation, you can fast-track your education through the UBC Diploma in Accounting Progam (DAP). UBC DAP's curriculum is recognized by the Chartered Accountants School of Business (CASB) and satisfies most of the CMA and CGA program requirements.
APPLICATION DEADLINES FOR 2006 Courses starting in May: =" March 1, 2006 (International applicants) =" March 31, 2006 (Canadian applicants) Courses starting in September: = June 5, 2006 (International applicants) = July 7, 2006 (Canadian applicants)
SAUDER
To learn more call 604 822 8412 i School of Business
or visit www.sauder.ubc.ca/dap )
Opening Worlds
THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA
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GEORGE BELIC
THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR Kristen Hagg (right) and the Pandas are rolling into the playoffs again.
Hockey Pandas class of Canada West, ready for playoffs
JAKE TROUGHTON
A} Senior News Editor
The first regular season in what was supposed to be the hockey Pandas’ post-domination era is now com-
plete—and in the end, it was still
pretty dominant.
There has been a bit of a drop off, but though their 16-1-3 record may not be as impressive as the spotless 20-0-0 of the previous two seasons, there’s no question that they’re still the class of Canada West.
They swept the UBC Thunderbirds (5-11-4) over the weekend with 5-2 and 6—0 wins to complete the season, having already clinched first place in the conference. As they prepare for the playoffs, which start this weekend, the Pandas say what they’ve done so far this year has left them with a greater sense of accomplishment than in past years.
“T think everyone expected it would be different this year, and it has been, but we're still first in Canada West,” said Pandas goaltender Holly Tarleton. “A record of 16-1-3 isn’t that bad; a couple years ago, we'd have said, ‘Oh, what happened?’ But, when you look at it, that’s a great record to be going to the playoffs with.”
Head coach Howie Draper said the UBC series may have been his team’s best of the year, which is good timing, as the Pandas try to win their fifth- straight Canada West title and claim the conference’s sole berth at the national championship, taking place from 9-12 March.
“We've had games where teams
haven't played all that well against us, and our level has lowered to meet them, but [Saturday] we just kept getting better, and that’s the kind of feeling that we want going into the playoffs, so I’m very happy with where we are right now,’ Draper said.
The weekend series wasn’t entirely without controversy. On Friday, though the Pandas were clearly out- playing the T-Birds, UBC was manag- ing to hang on and stay in the game, trailing 2-1 heading into the third period. Five minutes into the period, however, Pandas captain Kristen Hagg scored while the Pandas had an extra attacker due to a delayed penalty call against UBC, despite the fact that the Thunderbirds appeared to have touched the puck a number of times to end the play. After that goal, the Pandas distanced them- selves from UBC and the outcome was no longer in doubt. The loss offi- cially eliminated UBC from playoff contention.
“You can't say it was a game-breaker or a season-breaker or anything along those lines, but it’s a tough break; it’s upsetting,” said UBC head coach Dave Newson. “We were hanging in there, and we were a couple breaks away. [Tarleton] wasn’t on top of her game, and if we get a few pucks on the net, we could have got—we did get another goal.”
With the Canada West playoff posi- tions now settled, the Pandas are preparing to host the fourth-place Lethbridge Pronghorns (7-11-2) in a best-of-three semifinal series this
weekend. They may have to do so without two key players in left-winger Taryn Barry and right-winger Jamie Coffin. Barry is day-to-day with a groin injury, while Coffin hurt her hamstring on Saturday. Her status for the playoffs is uncertain.
“Right off the draw, some girl tripped me. I think she was out to get me that shift, and I fell on my leg,” said Coffin, who scored a goal and was named the second star in each of the weekend games. “I just got off of a shoulder separation a couple weeks ago, so I'm just itching to get back in, and this is my last year.”
It appears Draper has chosen Tarleton as the starting goaltender for the playoffs over first-year Panda Danielle